


ABS (Angsty Bucky Smuff)

by Sinistretoile



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Cunnilingus, Declarations Of Love, Embarrassment, F/M, Feels, Fucking, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, More Sex, Oral Sex, Outdoor Sex, Past Relationship(s), Porn, Porn with Feelings, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rough Sex, Sex, Sexual Tension, So much angst, Table Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-11-08 00:03:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11069868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinistretoile/pseuds/Sinistretoile
Summary: The Indestructible Harlow Brown has been an Avenger for years. Before the Civil War split and after. She's made the mistake of dating team mates before and she vowed not to do it again. But is the animosity between Harlow and Bucky actually covering for mutual feelings? Do they want to fuck each other? Or do they want to fuck each other up?





	1. Almost

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is music inspired. I'll be posting the YouTube link for the song that each chapter is named after.  
>  The song in the club is DNCE 'Almost' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm8js0abFe0

I groaned and pulled myself out of the bed. It wasn’t mine. Neither was the man lying on his stomach, snoring so loud they could probably hear him across town. I wrapped the sheet around my body and climbed out of bed. I might be a master of stealth when I’m sober, but the same could not be said for hung over, still possibly drunk.  
I bent over and grabbed my clothes from the pile on the floor. Were these even my clothes? I squinted at the dark colored pile then mumbled ‘fuck it’ and stumbled to the en-suite bathroom. I closed the sheet in the door, had to open it and pull the sheet in then close it again.  
I changed quickly, rinsing my mouth out and taking a bit of toothpaste on my finger and over my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirror. Disheveled, still drunk and sliding into hung over, last night’s make up and this morning’s regret, yep, I looked a million bucks. I finger combed my hair, startling at the knock on the door. The person, liking my bedmate, jiggled the knob.  
“I’ll be out in a minute.” No answer. I opened it to a startled, definitely hung over but not exactly bad looking frat boy-fuck boi. “Sorry.”  
He looked shocked at my dressed appearance but before he could question me, his bladder demanded attention. He actually pissed with the door open. I rolled my eyes as I dug around in the mess of clothes on the floor for my shoes. “What’s your hurry, bae?”  
All stop. I stood slowly and turned to look at him. His cocksure grin remained for a moment then slowly slid off his face. “What the fuck did you just call me?”  
“Bae?” He furrowed his brow then relaxed it. “What? You don’t look too old to haven’t heard the term.”  
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes closed. “Look, fuck boi, first, I’m not your ‘bae’. I’m no one’s ‘bae’. It means shit in Danish, bt-dubs. Any woman who lets you call her another name for shit fucking deserves it. Second, where the fuck are my shoes?” He pointed up. That’s when I noticed my heels and my bra dangling from the ceiling. “How the- ya know, I don’t want to know.”  
“You were very eager.”  
I shrugged. “I like sex. We were gonna fuck. Isn’t the point to be eager?” I didn’t want for an answer. I climbed onto the bed and plucked them loose. As I tugged the heels on, I continued my alcohol-fueled and sleep-deprived diatribe. “Third, I’m not old, fuck wad. I might be older than you by about ten years but you should be thankful I let you stick your dick in any and or all of my holes.” I stood in front of him, placing my hands on my hips. “And lastly, what time is it?” He pointed to the bedside clock.  
“You said to set the alarm for-“ It began to scream. “-now.”  
“Fuck! Steve’s gonna kill me.” I grabbed my purse from the bedside table. “I’m gonna fucking be late again.” I threw open the window and climbed out.  
“You can use the door.” He pointed behind him.  
“This is faster.” I ducked my head in and offered him a smile. “For what it’s worth, last night was fun. You know where to find me if you want to do it again.” I blew him a kiss then climbed over the railing of the fire escape. I dropped down to the alley below, performing the ‘superhero landing’. Then I was running through downtown in heels toward Avengers Tower.

The team looked up as I attempted to sneak in unnoticed, my hair still wet from the shower. Tony, being the shit he is, was having none of it. He steepled his fingers in front of him and smirked at me.  
“Nice of you to join us, kitten.”  
“Sorry, slept through my alarm.”  
Bucky snorted and I shot him a deadly look. Everyone at the table knew it was a lie. A bold-faced lie, in fact, because I’d been at the club with everyone but Viz and Tony the night before. They’d all seen me leave with the fuck boi. And they all probably knew I hadn’t slept in my bed last night.  
“At least you showered and changed this time.” Bucky grunted as Nat kicked his shin under the table. “What? We were all thinking it.”  
“Yes, Buck, but you didn’t need to say it.”  
“Are we going to discuss my one night stand in details?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Or are we going to talk about more important matters?”  
Tony laughed through his nose once. “Actually, kitten, we’re done. No missions today. We were just about to make plans for dinner. But if you’d like to regale us with your sexual escapades, you know I’m positively rapt.” Tony flicked his eyebrows up and flashed me a grin. He’d been my first mistake after joining the team.  
“Leave her alone, Stark.” Ah, and there was my second.  
“Its fine, Steve.” I offered him an apologetic smile before being the first one out of the conference room. I felt a presence at my elbow. I expected it to be Steve. “Its fine, Stevie. You know Tony just likes to give me shit about my sex life because he’s not in it anymore.”  
“And I can’t wrap my head around why he was even in it in the first place.” My attention snapped to Barnes. “Sorry, I’m not Steve.”  
We paused outside my door. “Why you following me, Barnes?” I turned to face him. His frustratingly beautiful eyes flicked to my chest then lower before returning to my eyes. I crossed my arms over my chest, very conscious of the hard nipples beneath my bra-less tee.  
His dark pink tongue wet him lips. I knew he probably picked up the spike in my pulse at that peek of tongue. “You’re better than this.”  
“Better than what?”  
“Getting black out drunk and fucking any guy that takes you home from the bar.”  
My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe legendary ladies’ man (re: man whore) James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes was lecturing me on promiscuity and drinking. I let my arms drop, balling up my fists. “Get fucked, Barnes.” I whipped open door then slammed it in his face.

The following week when everyone went to the club, I stayed in. Barnes’s words echoed in my head. They’d hurt. They’d pissed me off. Maybe they were true. Maybe they weren’t. Either way, I spent Friday night at the Tower with a bottle or three of wine and a book that I usually finished before dawn. Maybe my last fuck boi was right. Maybe I was old because I began to enjoy my Friday nights at the Tower alone. Every once in a while, I’d mix it up and watch a movie.  
The team razzed me about it at first but when it became apparent that I wasn’t going out with the group anymore, they left it alone. Weeks stretched into months. The drawback to staying in was the lack of sex. Sure, there was always Tony, but I was not repeating that mistake again for the rest of my life. I might be able to talk Steve into some heavy petting, maybe even mutual masturbation while we kissed. But again, I didn’t want to walk down that road. It hurt too much. I wanted things that Stevie didn’t. Things that maybe he couldn’t give, but we’d left it at wouldn’t give and tried to remain friends.  
I lay on the couch in the common area, watching one of my favorite zone-out movies, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I was only half paying attention to it when I felt the other end of the couch dip with someone’s weight. It was quiet for a moment before Bucky’s voice pulled me from my trance.  
“What the fuck are you watching?”  
“Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.”  
“It’s shit.”  
I kicked his thigh. “You’re shit, Barnes.” He grunted. Ok, maybe I didn’t have to kick him full strength. I looked over my shoulder at him. “What are you doing home anyway? I was counting on another few hours alone.”  
He shrugged. “Bored. Same girls at the bar. Same guys picking them up.” I hummed and turned back to the TV. We stayed silent, except for my laughter, until the end of the movie. I queued up another one on Netflix then stood, stretching. My spine let loose a series of pops then I bowed forward, stretching it the other way. I caught Bucky looking at my ass from between my legs. I could have embarrassed him by drawing attention to it, but I left it. Standing up straight, I walked to the kitchen.  
“Want a beer?”  
“Nah, doesn’t do anything anyway and takes like shit.”  
“A whiskey then?” He scoffed from the couch. “Ok, no then.” I filled my wine glass again and grabbed some more cheese and grapes and pecans. I curled my legs under me, balancing my plate on the arm of the couch. The next movie started with the push of a button.  
Before the opening scene was done, Barnes shook with quiet laughter. “Are you seriously watching a movie about Cinderella? You’re what in your thirties? Aren’t you past fairy tales?”  
“You can go get fucked if you insult Ever After or my liking fairy tales. I didn’t ask you to watch movies with me. If you got a problem, you can take your ass to your room.”  
“You know, I don’t get you.”  
“That’s the fucking understatement of the century.” I popped a grape into my mouth.  
“No really, you-you go from being a whore to acting like this middle-aged spinster. All because I said you deserved better.” He’d barely stopped speaking when I threw the glass of wine his face. My plate joined the wine.  
“Get fucked, cyborg!” The rest of the team chose that moment to walk around the corner. Their laughter died as I stormed off. I heard someone call my name then I heard Steve start to question Bucky before I slammed my door.

Barnes and I didn’t speak. We were never in the same room. If he entered, I left. If he was there, I would turn right back around. Well, except for briefings. I was able to kill two birds with one stone on missions. Bucky went with Steve and after a ‘fuck’-filled refusal to go on a mission with Barnes, I wasn’t assigned to anymore with him. Which meant I didn’t have to deal with Steve’s mothering.  
Natasha and I lay on the roof watching the arms deal. “It’s been nearly two months. How much longer are you gonna avoid Bucky?”  
“Indefinitely.”  
“You don’t think you’re being hard on him?”  
“No, I don’t. And I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” The subject was dropped and we fell back into silence.  
I didn’t think anything of Nat’s questioning until I ran into Sam leaving the gym. He grinned and gave me a high five as I toweled the sweat off my face and throat.  
“What’s up, baby girl? When you going out with us again?”  
I smiled and shook my head. “I’m fine with staying home, Sam.”  
“Ah come on, girl. You gotta make me say it? I miss you, boo. You used to be so much fun.” I smiled.  
“Only because you liked to watch me dance.”  
“Shit, you ain’t lying. Spot me.” I stood over the bar, watching him bench press. “I’m not the only one that watched you dance.”  
“Of course not, Sam. We were in a club.”  
“That’s not what I meant.” He put the bar back and sat up. “A certain super soldier watched you too.”  
I laughed. “Steve got enough private dances when we were…whatever we were.”  
“I wasn’t talking about Steve.” I frowned as I left him to finish his workout, passing Steve and Bucky setting up to spar on the mats. I hadn’t heard them come in. I glanced back at them as I waited at the elevator doors. Bucky met my eyes but said nothing. The elevator dinged and I turned back around as it opened.  
I began to sense a team effort to get me to give Barnes a second chance. Though I still avoided him and refused to do missions, I wasn’t as hostile toward him in the briefings. They backed off once they were sure their efforts were working.  
I had just stepped out of the bathroom, my towel wrapped around me, when Wanda threw my door open. “Friday, you’re coming out with us.”  
“Wan-“  
“No, no arguments. You have been cooped up in this Tower like some self-imposed prison sentence. You’re coming.” I looked past her to see Barnes paused in the hallway.  
“Sure, I’ll go. Now, get out so I can get dressed unless you wanna see my pussy.” Wanda laughed and shut the door.  
Friday night found me in the bar, downing shots with Wanda and Nat and dancing with Sam. The club was in full swing and I had a comfortable buzz when I felt a strong, familiar weight at my back. I leaned back into Steve’s chest and his arm wound around my waist. We moved together through song after song, our bodies fit perfectly together. It felt good to dance with him again. I had missed it more than I realized. I’d forgotten how naturally we moved as one.  
“You know this is a mistake, right?”  
“You were always my favorite mistake.” I felt his warm breath against my neck before the press of his lips. I closed my eyes and moved with the music, slipping my hand up into his hair from the back.  
“Mine too, doll.” His nose brushed the shell of my ear. I shivered, feeling my body begin to respond to him. He’d been pushing my triggers from the moment he’d stepped up to dance. “I wish I could give you what you want.”  
“Stevie, baby, don’t. Just enjoy the moment.” I turned in the circle of his arm and wrapped mine around his neck. As if on cue ‘Almost’ by DNCE began to play and looking into Steve’s eyes, I remembered why we didn’t work. He saw the change in my face despite the shifting light and started to pull away.  
“No, stay. Please?” He pulled me closer. I laid my head on his shoulder as we swayed to the music. The words stung my liquor-tinged heart. I pulled back and cupped his cheek. My thumb caressed his bottom lip. The kiss was unexpected, sweet and tender, sad and final. I didn’t look at his face as I hugged him tightly. “I could have loved you, Steve.”  
I felt his lips in my hair. “I know, doll.”  
Then the song was over and so was my fun. I wanted my bottle of wine and my book or stupid Jay and Silent Bob, anything, anything but the pain in my chest and the tears stinging my eyes. Steve let me slip from his arms. I joined Wanda, Nat and Sam at the table. I downed my shot then grabbed Sam’s out of his hand. He started to protest but saw the trails of my tears on my face in the shifting lights.  
“Baby girl, you ok?”  
“Just peachy. I’ll see you guys back at the Tower.” I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. I heard the three of them call my name but I didn’t stop. The night air was a comfortable brace but it loosened my hold on my emotions. The door shut, thankfully muffling the music. I waited at the curb for a cab, my chest growing tighter before the sobs finally broke. I bent from the waist, finally giving in.  
I didn’t need to turn to know Barnes stood behind me. I cried the hurt, angry sobs, until warm, strong fingers grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. His fingers slipped into my hair as he pulled me to his chest. I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, clinging to him. He cradled the back of my head and neck as I tucked into his neck. My sobs shook my body with their weight. His cool metal hand soothed up and down my spine as he held me. When they began to subside, he began to shush and soothe me.  
“Let’s get you home, doll.” I swallowed and nodded. I drew in a deep breath, getting a lungful of the scent of him. I glanced up at Bucky. His gaze flicked down at mine and he smiled softly. He loosened his arms to let me pull away when I gave the indication I was alright. I looked for the next cab to stop. My searched didn’t last long. Bucky swept me up into a bridal carry, making me squeak. He chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder.  
Neither of us saw a certain redheaded Russian step out of the club and watch him carry me up the street.


	2. Linger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Cranberries 'Linger'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Kspj3OO0s

Bucky carried me all the way back to the Tower. Neither of us said a word. He carried me all the way to my room, setting me on my feet at the foot of my bed. He didn’t wait to be invited to sit. He pulled off his jacket, tossing it onto my chair then sat on the side of the bed that faced the door. He bent forward and unlaced his boots slowly, giving me every chance to tell him to get out or get fucked.  
I turned my back to him and kicked my heels into the open closet. I reached up between my shoulder blades and unzipped the dress. I let it fall to the floor at my feet then stepped out, flicking it into the dirty clothes basket on the floor of my closet with my foot.  
I could feel Bucky’s eyes on me as I walked to the dresser in the scrap of fabric I called panties then began to unpin my hair. I looked into the mirror above my dresser. Bucky’s eyes moved up from my bare back and presumably my ass to meet mine in the glass. He stood from the bed and pulled the snug tee over his head from a handful at the top of his back. His eyes only left mine long enough for the tee to go over his head.  
His flesh hand dropped to his waistband, my eyes followed the action. I gave no protest or encouragement, simply meeting his gaze again. His fingers moved slowly and deliberately as they popped the button and lowered the zip. I raised my eyebrow but still said nothing. He bent from the waist, pushing the black denim down his thick, gorgeous legs. He stood back up straight before stepping out of them. I met his eyes again then looked away, taking the moment to appreciate his body. The super soldier serum had perfected him, but he worked hard to keep that perfection. I met his gaze again in the mirror then turned around.  
Bucky took my measure silently as I walked across the room and stood on the other side of the bed. We looked at each other for a heartbeat then climbed in and under the covers. Our skin slithered against the cool sheets as we moved closer. His fingers slipped into my hair, but his eyes left mine to watch my tresses skate over his metal fingers before he met my gaze again.  
His dark pink tongue rolled over his bottom lip. I reached up to touch the dark scruff on his cheek before trailing my fingers down over his collarbone and the center of his solid chest. I let my hand fall to the mattress.  
“You know I’m not gonna fuck you, right?” Though the impressive bulge tenting his boxers would have me think otherwise.  
“I know.” I scooted closer to him. The heat of his increased metabolic functions radiated off him. He shifted closer. My breasts smashed against his chest as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, burying my face in his neck again. My mouth and nose pressed to the juncture of his neck and shoulder, breathing him in. His arm shifted, the plates clicking and whirring into place. It was a solid but not uncomfortable weight on my waist. He pulled me flush against him. I shivered at the contrast in temperature, the cool of his arm on my back and the heat of his body on my front.  
I knew he could feel my nipples harden more against his chest and my wet panties pressed against his hard cock. My shoulders trembled. His deep, rough voice was surprising soft against my ear. “It’s ok, doll. Let it out.” He combed his fingers through my hair. “I won’t let go.” He nuzzled his scruff against my cheek. “I’ve got you.” Those seven words broke whatever hold I’d managed to get on my emotions. He held me like that while I cried.  
Then Bucky shifted us so he lay on his back and I lay on his chest. His arms locked around me and soothed me, letting me cry it all out. When I felt like I’d cried all my tears, I began to talk. “I should hate you. Not just for the way you’ve acted towards me. Cold, rude, confusing…” I sniffed. “You’re the reason Steve won’t ever love me.”  
“Doll-“  
“Just…shut up, Barnes.” I sighed, closing my eyes as I tried to find my words and fight my sadness. “When I first joined the team, I made the mistake of jumping into bed with Tony. It was after one of his parties. He had been funny and charming. The champagne had gone straight to my head. I was young and stupid and fell for every line he tossed my way. I couldn’t get my panties down fast enough. I mean, it was Tony Stark. Iron Man, ya know.” Bucky fingers began to traces patterns on my lower back, keeping his touch light and soft.  
“After that, Steve made sure we didn’t go on any missions together. He kept putting me with Nat. I think so she’d rub off some of my naivety. He was right. She became like this big sister/mentor to me. Then came Tony’s next party…and his next piece…and he gave her every line he gave me.” I emphasized every word of the last sentence. “Right in front of me. Well of course, I was angry and hurt and I vowed never to get involved with another Avenger.” I met Bucky’s attentive gaze. Fuck, the man had beautiful eyes. And plump lips that I ached to devour. But Bucky wasn’t mine. He thought me a whore and a spinster to boot. Hard cock or not, I wasn’t about to make a mistake again. I wasn’t his either.  
“Steve and I grew closer. Nat and I grew closer. Then you showed back up and Hydra made a mess of everything. S.H.I.E.L.D. was gone. Triskelion was gone. Hydra was everywhere. I finally told Steve that I loved him. More than platonically.” I scooted down his chest so I could rest my chin on the backs of my hands as I watched him while I spoke. His lips ticked up into a half smile and his fingers continued their tracing on my back, higher up this time.  
“He told me I was just scared. That everything being turned upside was just a catalyst. I couldn’t be in love with him. But oh I was. I loved him, deep and hard. And I showed him. And after a while, I began to think that he MIGHT love me too. He was gentle but never tender. He fucked me when I needed it rough. He cared about me, I know that. But he never loved me. I know that now.” I laid my cheek on his chest, listening to the heavy, wet thump of his heart in his chest.  
“Then you came back. Again. And it all went to shit. Again. I refused to sign the Accords. I refused to go against them. I went into ‘the private sector’, whatever the fuck that means. I’ll tell you what it means. I went to Venice Beach and spent that utter hell of a time in a freak show with some amazing people. I loved them like I’d loved my Avengers family.” I smiled at the memory of being ‘The Indestructible Harlow Brown’. I mimicked Bucky’s patterns on his pectoral.  
“I came back when Tony and Steve called me. This was my home. They were my family. No matter how much I want to shove Tony down a flight of stairs. And I knew I still loved Steve. But when I came back, you were here. And Steve was different. He was just my ‘buddy Steve’ again. He wasn’t ‘Steve that could be mine’ anymore. And he probably never was.”  
I swallowed the lump in my throat, holding off the tears until I finished. “He loves you. There’s only ever you. There will only ever be you in his heart. There isn’t room for anyone else. He may fuck a woman when the need arises, but he loves you. You own his heart and likely his very soul.” I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the tip of my fingers. They came away grey and I didn’t want to think of how much worse my make-up was from when I had looked at my smudged eyes in the mirror. “And don’t even get me started on Peggy Carter...” I shook my head then sighed and laid my head back down on his shoulder.  
“But I tried to be nice to you for Steve’s sake. I tried to stay just friends with him, while loving him so fucking much. And then I had to try to like you. The man he loved more than anything and anyone. But you were so fucking mean to me. Cold and rude, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t understand why Steve loved you so much. Stood by you and abandoned everyone and everything else.”  
My brow furrowed as I began to recognize the pattern he was tracing on my back. They were letters of the Russian alphabet. I tried to put them to memory but I’d likely forget them. “So I stopped trying to be nice, to like you, or to be your friend. I just ran away from everything that hurt me. ‘Getting black out drunk and fucking any guy that will take me home from the bar’.”  
“Oh doll.” He tipped my chin up but I twisted away. “I didn’t mean-“  
“Don’t. Don’t ruin whatever this is right now by saying that.” I pushed up on the bed under his arms, but he refused to loosen his grip. When I got the picture that he wasn’t letting me go, I laid back down with a sigh. “Besides, you were right. It was stupid and reckless and I’m lucky I didn’t get put in a compromising situation or kidnapped. And it wasn’t helping me deal with the reason why I was in pain and running from it. So I did what I thought was the mature thing. I stayed home when everyone went out.”  
I swallowed and turned to look at horrible Wine and Canvas painting Wanda, Nat, Maria Hill and I had all done. I have no artistic talent. I smiled, remembering one of the last truly happy moments I’d had before everything went to shit. “Then you had to show up and open your fucking mouth. And ruin everything again.” I felt his body tense underneath me. “What you said was horrible and hurtful. I hated you. You finally gave me the reason I needed to never like you. It was a slap in the face.”  
Bucky’s arms tightened around me. “I never meant to hurt you, doll.”  
“But you did.” I sighed, not even bothering to wipe my tears. “And it made the fact that Steve loved you more, that he loved you and didn’t love me, hurt so fucking hard and deep. And then everyone on the team tried so hard to get me to forgive you. And I began to wonder if I was crazy. Maybe I was being too hard on you. Maybe I was projecting my flaws and ugliness onto you.”  
“You’re not ugly, doll.”  
I laughed and it sounded ugly. “You have no idea.”  
Bucky sat up, forcing me to move. I straddled his waist, becoming even more conscious of his body. He tipped my chin up. “You know what happened to me. You know who I was, what I did.” I nodded and he allowed the movement. “You see the mess my body is. The scars that even the serum can’t heal.” I licked my lips and nodded again because I felt like he wanted me to acknowledge this. His gaze flicked to my lips and I saw the barest roll of his tongue over his teeth and bottom lip. “Do you think I’m ugly?” I shook my head. “Why not?”  
“Because what you did, who you were, it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t in control.” Bucky smiled sadly. “And so you know…” I struggled with whether or not to say what I had to say next. But he’d already seen me at my worst, and we were naked before each other, in more ways than just physical. I met his sad eyes. I swallowed. “So you know, your body is perfect.” I danced my fingers over the puckered scar tissue of his shoulder. Even Wakandian technology couldn’t fix the mess Hydra had made of his shoulder.  
“You should get some sleep.” He lifted me from his lap and set me on the bed. He scooted toward the edge of the bed and I grabbed his wrist, the metal one.  
“Wait. Please.” I ran my fingers down the palm of his metal hand. The fingers twitched. “Stay with me.”  
“Doll, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
I hugged myself torso. “I don’t want to be alone. Please stay, Bucky.”  
“I’m not gonna fuck you.”  
I kept the sting of rejection his words caused from my face, even though that’s not what I wanted him for tonight. I wanted… I needed his warmth. I needed him. Despite everything, I found it ironic and somehow fitting that I needed him. “I don’t want you to.” Had Nat not taught me to read body language, I would have missed the slight widening of his eyes and the twitch of his lips. “I want you to hold me.” Bucky turned away from me and I thought he was going to leave. I sighed and laid down, facing away from the door and him. The bed shifted as he stood. “Could you hit the lights please?”  
The room went dark. I drew a deep breath, embarrassed with how shaky it was when I let it out. I waited for the door to open and close. Imagine my surprise when the bed sunk with Bucky’s weight. His heat enveloped me as his cool, metal arm wrapped around my waist and pulled my back against his front. He tucked his face into the back of my neck. I listened to the barely audible sound of his breath until I fell asleep.

I felt the chill at my back shortly before I heard the soft knock on my door. I rolled over onto my back and covered my eyes against the overhead light. The bed dipped as my best friend sat on the bed.  
“You ok?” Nat brushed the hair from my face after I’d dropped my hand.  
“Surprisingly, yes. I am.” I tugged the sheet up over my bare breasts, not because Nat or I had a problem with nudity. We’d both seen each other naked before. But I was aware that my door was open. “What time is it?”  
“Just after 7.”  
“Fuck, why’d you wake me up?”  
“To make sure you were ok, bitch.” She stood, retying her robe. “Say you didn’t happen to see Barnes on your way home, did ya?”  
“I did.” I left it at that, despite her pouting smirk and raised eyebrow. “Is there coffee?”  
“There is.”  
“I’ll be out in five.”  
“Good.” The door shut with a click.  
My closet door swung open and Bucky stepped out, his clothes and boots held against his chest. Bucky moved silently to the bed. And when I say silently, I mean silently. If I hadn’t seen him walk toward me, I wouldn’t have believed he moved. He sat down on the side of the bed. “Are you really alright, doll?”  
I rolled onto my side, tucking my hands under my head. “I am.” He brushed the same hair from my face that Nat had. “You better be careful. Nat is likely watching for you to leave.”  
He curled his fingers against my jaw in a surprisingly tender gesture. “You leave slipping the Widow to me.” He winked and before I could sit up, he was gone.  
Five minutes later, I was in the kitchen, pouring myself a cup of Tony’s good shit. “Five minutes.” Nat leaned against the counter. “And you’re dressed. Going somewhere?”  
“I need a dress for Tony’s party.”  
“Good, I’ll go with you. I’d like to pick up something pretty for the mister who actually called me back.”  
“No shit? The psychologist?”  
“None other.” She sashayed over to me and plucked the cup from my hands. “We’re going to dinner on Tuesday.”  
“A weekday dinner? How exciting!” She nodded as she sipped my coffee. Steve slipped in and reached over my head for a cup. “Morning, Stevie.” He glanced at Nat who looked from him to me.  
“Morning, Harlow. How’d you sleep?”  
“Pretty good, actually.” I took my cup back from Nat then turned and pecked his cheek. “You?” They both eyed me as I walked around the counter and sat down on the farthest barstool.  
“Like I always do.”  
“Light and only for a couple hours.” Steve ducked his head and half-smiled. I drained the cup and slid off the stool. “I’ve gotta finish getting ready. Nat, meet you in the garage?”  
“Yea.” As I walked out, Bucky walked in, dressed in the same clothes he’d worn last night.  
“Morning, Buck.” Sam froze with his hand on the cabinet and the other on a box of cereal. Nat and Steve looked at each other.  
Bucky looked just as surprised as everyone else. He looked at Steve who gave him no direction. Nat raised her eyebrow and Sam just watched. “Morning, Harlow.” I didn’t look back as I headed up the hall to finish getting ready.  
Natasha was waiting for me in the parking garage, leaning up against the sleek black Audi coupe she liked to drive. She filled me on what happened after I’d left the club then started talking about her and the psychologist. She pulled up to the restaurant that we ate breakfast at when we went shopping then turned to me in the seat.  
“Did you fuck Barnes?” I froze. “Please don’t try to lie to me. Did you fuck Barnes?”  
“No.” She searched my face. “I saw you last night.” I sighed, my shoulders drooping. “If you didn’t fuck, what happened?”  
“Who would it bother more? Steve or you?”  
I saw her jaw clench just so then relax. “This isn’t about either of us. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. First Tony then Steve-“  
“Whoa, Steve yes, Tony no. Tony just-no, he didn’t hurt me.” I combed my fingers through my hair. “And I’m sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.”  
“Don’t worry about it. But I mean it. You’ve already been hurt so much by Steve. Don’t let Barnes drag you through more pain.”  
“Believe me, Nat, I have no intention of getting involved with Bucky Barnes. I’m not making that mistake again.” She really looked at me. The silence filled the car, saving for the sound of the engine ticking. Then she leaned forward and kissed my cheek, pulling me into a hug.  
“Good, let’s go eat then blow Tony’s money.”


	3. My Type

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chainsmokers ft Emily Warren 'My Type'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o16rCMSVfI8

I don’t know what possessed me to knock on Bucky’s door at 2 a.m. Everyone else was either on a mission or out to the bar. I guess I was lonely. And I missed his warmth in my bed. The man was a fucking furnace. I could’ve been warmer if I wore more than just panties to bed, but I like to be comfortable.  
I knew he heard my knock, no matter how soft it was. Super soldier hearing. Maybe he just wanted to be alone. I sighed, opting for a bottle of wine and something on Netflix. I’d have to put pants on. I turned to leave when the door opened. I turned back around, at a loss for words now that the Winter Soldier was standing before me with sleep ruffled hair in his boxers.  
“Sorry to wake you.”  
“You didn’t. Did you want something?”  
I played with the tie on my robe then decided the bottle of wine would be better than admitting that I needed Bucky Barnes to sleep soundly. “It’s nothing. Sorry to bother you.”  
His warm, strong hand grabbed my wrist as I turned to leave. “You’re not bothering me.” He looked up and down the hall then pulled me into the room, shutting the door behind me. He let my wrist go then left me at the door. “Are you ok?”  
“I’m fine.” I tucked my hair behind my ear. I looked around his room. There was hardly anything. His clothes and shoes in the closet and there was a few small things on his shelf that he’d picked up since he’d escaped Hydra. There was a shelf of books and another of journals underneath that. I finished the circuit of observation to find him watching me.  
“You can sit, ya know.”  
“I’ve never been in your room. Ever.”  
He shrugged. “It’s just a room.” I watched as he stretched out on the bed, tucking his arms under his head. My eyes took in his stretched out form, like he wanted me to look. After I did, he sat forward, grabbing his book from the nightstand.  
“I wanted to thank you for that night.”  
He looked up from his book. “I’m sorry it had to happen. Steve can be an idiot.” I walked across the room to look at his pictures. There was an old one of him and Steve before their ‘deaths’. There was a picture of an old woman in a nursing home bed. There was a picture of the group of us at the bar. He cleared his throat before I got to the last one.  
I leaned against the lip of the table, ducking my knees together. “I still wanted to thank you. You didn’t have to be there for me.” He shrugged. “Why were you?”  
Bucky paused, tucking his longish hair behind his ear. “Because you needed me.” He met my eyes. “Maybe not me specifically, but you needed someone. And I was there.” We fell quiet. He read his book and I went back to reading the words on the spines. Some of the titles were in Russian. There were classic American novelists.  
“Hunter S. Thompson? Really?” The surprise in my voice was evident as I plucked Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas off the shelf and turned to face him.  
Bucky honest to god blushed. “I like him. He makes me feel sane. And crazy too. He makes me think.” I dropped across the bed and opened the book and began to read. We read quietly together, just enjoying not being alone. I was onto my second chapter, grinning broadly as I remembered not only reading this book but watching the movie. I heard Johnny Depp’s voice in my head instead of Hunter’s, which is ironic but perfect, ya know. I wondered if Bucky had seen the movie. We could watch it together one of these nights.  
I felt the barest touch of fingertips on my thigh. It skimmed up to my ass and hem of my robe. I shifted to open my legs but the touch didn’t go there. It went under my robe, tracing the edge of my panties. Then it circled my waist before coming to a stop on my ribs. I held my breath. The bed shifted as he moved onto his knees and I rolled onto my back.  
“Buck?” He propped himself over me. His brilliant blue eyes shined in the soft light. I sighed. “Oh wow.” Then his lips were on mine, soft and eager. My legs fell open and he crawled between them. I gasped at the press of his hips against mine and his tongue stole inside. He tasted like plums and black coffee and not entirely unpleasant. I moaned softly, gliding my fingers up his arms then into his hair.  
He reached between us and untied my robe, letting it fall open. I closed my fingers in his hair as he broke the kiss and began moving lower, rubbing his scruff and his soft lips back and forth over my throat then my collarbone. His flesh hand played at my ribs then closed over my breast. I arched off the bed, pushing my chest into his hand. He growled and circled his hips, letting me feel his growing cock.  
My reason finally overrode my sensation…just as Bucky’s mouth closed over my nipple. I gasped and grabbed the sides of his face. The scrape of his teeth made me shudder and I knew if I didn’t stop this, I would make the mistake of fucking another team mate, another super solider, another man who wasn’t mine.  
“Buck.” He hummed around my nipple. “Bucky.” His metal fingers slipped down my belly and into my panties.  
“Fuck, doll, you’re so wet.” I groaned, my body betraying my reason as my hips lifted to his touch. “I’ll make you feel so good, baby doll.” He kissed across my sternum, scraping his teeth lightly over the bone then taking a mouthful of my other breast.  
“Barnes.” My breathless voice didn’t even sound like my own. My skin prickled from his touch as he parted my pussy lips and touched one of those cool fingers against my clit. Reason slammed back into me at the first jolt of pleasure. I took him by surprise and shoved him off me. I jumped up and held my robe closed, shifting back and forth on my feet as I bit my lip. Bucky sat up, combing both hands through his hair. “We can’t.”  
“What’s stopping us?”  
“The fact that we work together.”  
“Didn’t stop you before.” He flicked his hair out of his face and fuck me, he was so damnably delicious. I sighed. Why couldn’t he see how bad an idea this was?  
“Well, I’ve made that mistake before. Twice.” I dragged my fingers through my hair. “Not to mention Natasha. And Steve. And that you’re not mine.” I was purposely avoiding looking at him as I emphasized every word of my last sentence.  
“Then what do you want?”  
I stared at the ceiling, willing myself to be reasonable and rational and responsible about this for once. “I don’t know, but it wasn’t this.”   
He grabbed me by the waist and threw me to the bed. I cried out in surprise. Then his body was on mine again and his tongue in my mouth. His pelvis ground against, letting me feel how hard he was. “Or maybe this?” He thrust against me and I gasped, my fingers going into his hair as his mouth moved to leave hard biting, sucking kisses on my throat and shoulder. And ho my god, it felt so good. He felt good and he smelled good. And he SOUNDED good, groaning and growling. And fuck me, I wanted him so goddamn bad. I whimpered and let him rut against me and leave his mark before I finally scraped together the will to make him stop.  
“James, stop!”  
He pushed himself up onto his hands and looked down at me. “Why? We want each other. We’re grown adults.”  
“Yes, we are.” I covered my face against his stare. The intensity of it, the need and the want distracted me from making the right decision. “But I didn’t come here to fuck.”  
Bucky sat back on his ass. “Doll, you are sending some mixed signals then.”  
“I’m sorry, Bucky.”  
“You come to my room in the middle of the night when we’re the only ones here. In panties that would be scandalous in my day.”  
“I know. I’m sorry.”  
“No, I’m sorry. I read the situation all wrong. I thought you were purposely showing me your ass. I thought you wanted me to make the first move.”  
“I didn’t-I mean, I don’t-“ I groaned in frustration and jumped up. “I’ll just go. Forget I even came here.” I moved to the door but Bucky did that spooky thing he does where he reminds you what and who is by doing things that he shouldn’t be able to. Like leaping off the bed from a sitting position and blocking my path faster than I could blink.  
“I can’t. And I won’t.”  
“But Steve-“  
“Steve is a grown man who I love but not in the way he does me, not in the way he needs me to.” I swallowed. I’d always just assumed Bucky returned Steve’s feelings. Bucky let his words sink in. “I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I want to fuck you, doll. Now-“ He curled a finger under my chin and tipped my head back. “-don’t bullshit me by telling me you don’t know why you came here.” His thumb caressed my cheek. “Tell me what you want.”  
“I want you to hold me.”  
He was silent for a moment then he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I can do that.” He pushed my robe from shoulders. “But doll, next time you want to sleep together, and I’m not meaning the euphemism, to actually sleep together-“ He tipped my chin up again so he could look me in the eyes. “Tell me.” I nodded.  
He placed his books on the bedside table then lay down so that he was between me and the door. I snuggled up into his side, laying my head on his chest. He reached over and turned off the light. His fingers played with my hair, combing and smoothing, threading it between his fingers. The strong, steady thump of his heart lulled me to sleep again.

That became our pattern. One night we’d sleep in my bed; the next in his. And it was the best sleep I could ever remember getting. Bucky must have enjoyed it too because he never once had an episode of night terrors. If we thought we were being too obvious or that the team, specifically Steve and Natasha, were starting to suspect anything other than a casual friendship, we would sleep separately.  
The team noticed our lessened hostility towards each other, but it would be too obvious if we started acting like best friends over night. I couldn’t deny I felt closer to Bucky, becoming more attached and more attracted. There weren’t any more nights of heated kissing and touching though. We slept together and that was it. I couldn’t let myself cross that line. Not again.  
We were sitting at the dinner table when Bucky’s decreased night terrors got brought up. Tony cleared his throat. “So I take the therapy is helping, Buckeye?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You’ve been sleeping better. Not so many episodes of night terrors.”  
Bucky finished chewing, giving me a side-eye look where I’d slowed my chewing down. “I’ve been doing some relaxation exercises before sleep and writing a lot in my journals.”  
“Well, I think we should all go out Friday, barring anything nefarious happening, to celebrate.” The table murmured in acceptance then we went about our dinner.  
Friday found us all in the club. Those of us who could drink were. Those of us who couldn’t without getting into more trouble than we were worth (Tony) or weren’t affected by it (Steve and Bucky) were watching the others getting delightfully drunk. Except for me. I was ordering my own non-alcoholic drinks and pawning my shots off on Sam and Scott.  
Bucky found me dancing with Wanda and Scott and pulled me away. His lips barely brushed my ear. “Pretend you’re drunk and want to go home.” I danced with Wanda and Scott for another song then headed back to the table.  
“Guys, my stamina took a hit.”  
“Don’t tell me you’re tapping out, baby girl.” Sam handed me another shot. With Scott on the dance floor, I had to take it.  
“That does it for me. I’m heading back. I’ll start the coffee for you lushes.” The group laughed, hugs and kisses were exchanged.  
Steve was the only one that questioned my departure. He followed me out the door. “Are you sure you’re alright, Harlow?”  
“I’m fine, Stevie.” I turned to face and even threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. “It’s been a wonderful night.” I mentally thanked Sam for that last shot. It made my breath smell like alcohol…when I hadn’t been drinking all night.  
“Do you want me to walk you home?”  
“No, but you can put me in a cab. And go back to the fun.” I kissed his cheek. My heart didn’t flutter or flop. But my belly was an eager knot to get to the Tower. I don’t know what Buck was thinking. Wanda and Scott would remember him talking to me. Or maybe they wouldn’t. They’d had a lot to drink.  
“We’re here, miss.”  
“Oh thanks.” I paid and tipped the man then hurried into the Tower and up to the common quarters. I’d barely stepped out of the elevator when Buck grabbed me around the waist.  
“I’ve been dying to dance with you all night, doll.” He pressed his forehead to mine as he spun me around. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, our hips fitting together perfectly as we moved.  
“F.R.I.D.A.Y., play my ‘music to fuck by’ playlist.” Bucky grinned, his bright eyes flicking from my hair down to mouth then meeting my eyes again.  
“Yes, Miss Harlow.”  
Fiona Apple ‘Slow Like Honey’ oozed from the speakers and we began to sway to the melody. Bucky held me close as we danced around the living room. “Zvezda moya, I want to kiss you.” My tongue rolled over my bottom lip and I nervously bit it. He groaned. “Malyshka, you’re killing me.” He held the sides of my face then devoured my mouth, pausing for a moment to give me a chance to say no. His tongue tasted like tart cranberries and he knew what to do with it. My back thumped up against the wall. His flesh hand grabbed my thigh and lifted my leg around his waist.  
“Oh Buck.” His mouth left from mine to trail hot, hungry kisses down my throat and chest. His hips thrust against me. “We should stop.” I combed my fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends to tug his head back. His lips were kiss swollen and delicious and I dove in for another taste, ignoring the burn of his scruff against my soft skin.  
Bucky bit his bottom lip as he cradled my cheek. “Do you want to? Stop, I mean. Just say no and I’ll stop.”  
“We should.”  
“I don’t give a fuck about should, doll. I’m asking you if you want to fuck.”  
“Yes, but-“  
“Oh please no buts. Don’t make me beg, doll.” He tugged on my hair as he left biting kisses on my throat. I knew there’d be marks tomorrow.  
I laughed breathlessly. “Buck, Bucky, baby, no no, no buts except for-“ He groaned and dropped his face into my cleavage and I laughed again. “Except for this one which is we shouldn’t do it here in case the team walks in.”  
“You’re right.” The vibrations of his muffled words against my tits made me giggle.  
“What was that?”  
“I said-“ He leaned up. “You’re right.” He let me down from the wall then swung me over his shoulder. “I know the perfect place.” A short elevator ride later and we were on the sky deck of Avengers Tower.  
“Bucky, this is awfully romantic.”  
His lips found my pulse as he urged me out further. “And it’s quiet and no one will find us.”  
“Until someone asks F.R.I.D.A.Y. where we are.” Bucky grunted but lay down on the cool tile, pulling me down onto him. I straddled his thighs, pulling up his shirt so I could kiss down his stomach as I massaged his cock through the black denim.  
“Oh fuck, doll.” His hips pushed up against my hand. “That…feels…so good.”  
I kissed the skin between his navel and his waistband as I unbuttoned his jeans. He lifted his hips so I could tug them down. His long, thick cock bobbed lazily. I wrapped my hand around it and stroked him upward. He propped himself on his elbows as he watched me with parted lips. I held him steady and gave the head of him several kitten licks before wrapping my lips around it. He moaned and let his head drop back. I teased the ridge of him then ran the flat of my tongue up the underside along that vein.  
He hummed and opened his eyes as I went down as far as I could go. His flesh hand moved to rest on my head, playing with my hair. “Look at you, dahlin. So fucking gorgeous with my dick in your mouth.” He grunted as I sucked on him. “Oh fuck, doll. Oh god, your mouth.” He trembled with the control of his body. He wanted to thrust. I reached up with both hands to touch his chest then dragged my nails down to his hips, pulling them up to me as I went down.  
Bucky took the hint and began to thrust. The filth that poured out of his mouth killed me. I tried to breathe as he went further and further with each thrust. My throat convulsed, choking the deeper the he went. He backed off once, immediately apologizing but I shook my head back and forth.  
“Oh fuck, Harlow. Fuck, fuck, oh my god.” He gasped and I kept sucking and swallowing but saliva and precum dripped out the sides of my mouth. He grew harder in my mouth as he got closer. “Stop, doll.” He gasped. “Stop. I’m gonna cum.” He pulled me off his cock as it started to spurt on my lips then chest. I stroked him through then sat back on his thighs while he caught his breath. “Look at the mess I made of you.”  
I looked down at my chest, wiping his cum off with my fingers. He groaned when I smeared it on his shirt. “Aw, come on, doll. I like this shirt.”  
“Then throw it in the wash when we’re done.”  
“How is that gonna look when we go back down there if I’ve got cum smeared across my shirt?”  
“Like you got a little out of hand taking care of yourself. It’s just cum, Buck.”  
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him, my knees doing around his waist. “I’d rather have your cum all over me.” I blushed and bit my bottom lip. “Don’t go all shy on me now, doll.”  
“You want it, get to it, Sarge.”  
His eyes widened barely a breath. “You being cheeky, malyshka?”  
“Baby girl? You got a daddy kink, Sarge?”  
He laughed, surprised at first. But then he must have remembered Natasha was my best friend. “I’m old enough to be your grandpa.”  
I pushed him back by his shoulders. His arms fell to his sides as he lay back on the tile. I scooted up until I knelt over his head. “Then get to it, old man.” He raised an eyebrow then pushed my skirt up.  
“Aw fuck, doll. You ain’t been wearing panties all night?” I didn’t answer. The proof was literally staring him in the face. His hot breath caressed my pussy lips. Then his arms wrapped around my thighs and held me in place. I barely had time to gasp at the first swipe of his tongue from back to front. He sucked my clit between his lips.  
“Oh fuck, Bucky.” His metal hand slapped my ass with a hard sting. “Fuck!”  
“You’ll call me ‘Sarge’ or we’re done here.”  
I shuddered. “Yes, Sarge.”  
He hummed against me, sending delicious vibrations through my clit. “Good girl, Zvedza moya.” Then his mouth went to work again. His tongue curled in ways I didn’t think was humanly possible. My face scrunched up in pleasure as I cried out. My thighs began to tremble. I held onto his hair at the top of his head, rocking my hips as far as he’d allow me to.  
“Oh fuck, Sarge. Oh my fucking god.” He licked my labia then sucked my clit back between his lips, rolling and squeezing it. I panted, riding his tongue as his grip loosened on my thighs. He let me move more the closer I got. Then his finger pushed inside me and second, working in and out. When they curled against my sweet spot, I came with a shout. “James!”  
I started to get up. I had every intention of pressing my weeping, hot cunt to Tony’s precious tile. “Where ya think yer goin’, doll? I’m not done.” He jerked me back down, burying his face in my muff. His tongue thrust inside me. I clenched around it and was rewarded with a groan. His fingers replaced his tongue becoming relentless on my sweet spot. He attacked my clit again.  
“Oh fuck, Sarge. Oh my god. Oh fuck. Oh oh OH!” I got louder and louder, higher and higher, until I came a second, keening until my throat was raw.  
Bucky latched onto my thighs then rolled us over, pinning me beneath him. “You’re gonna give me one more, dahlin’.” He kissed me hard. I tasted myself on his tongue. I felt the nudge of his cock against my swollen pussy. He reached between us to guide himself in. He pushed inside. The stretch of him was so much more than Steve.  
My skin prickled with sensation. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pressing my heels into his ass to urge him on. “Christ, Sarge, you’re so big.” He chuckled and wriggled his hips then pushed deeper. He pushed against my sweet spot and my world went white. “Oh fuck!” The orgasm was so unexpected I clenched around him. He grunted and lost all control of himself, slamming in to the hilt. I screamed at the pain-laced pleasure.  
Bucky held the back of my head, searching my face. “I’m so sorry, doll. Are you alright? Fuck.”  
I licked my lips and nodded. “Just…just gimme a second.” My cunt quivered around him. He peppered kisses on my face and neck. When my body had adjusted to him and I felt full without twinges of pain, I pressed my heels into his ass. “We’re good, Sarge.”  
“Forgive me, malyshka.”  
“Just move, Buck. Don’t stop.” His hips snapped as he began a hard, fast space. He wrapped his arms under my shoulders and pulled me down into his thrusts. I couldn’t form thoughts or sentences. I could barely form words. I’d never been fucked like this before. Not even Steve had fucked me like this when I wanted it rough.  
“God, you feel so good, doll. Taking my dick so fucking good. Such a good girl.” He grunted and growled against my ear. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum. Give me one more, dahlin. One more.” He reached between us to rapidly rub my clit while he pounded into me. The pleasure with sharp and fast and I dug my nails into his back, perfuming the air with his blood, ripping his shirt. He bit down hard on my neck, muffling his loud groans with my flesh. I felt him swell inside me then it was over. He lay on me, panting and we both struggled for breath.  
“Good idea about coming up here.”  
He chuckled. “Why’s that?”  
“Because the whole Tower would have heard us if we were inside.”  
He propped himself up and looked at my face. “Are you so sure they didn’t?”  
“No, but the thing about rooftops…the wind and the ambient noise covers a lot of sounds.” I shifted to sit up, making him move off me. “And I’m pretty sure you knew that.”  
Bucky lay back on the tile, tucking himself back into his black jeans then zipping them. “You should probably wait up here a bit while I head down.” I hummed, standing up and fixing my skirt. My thighs and cunt throbbed spectacularly. I’d be sorer tomorrow. He kissed the top of my head. By the time I turned to him, the door to the stairwell was swinging shut.


	4. Hurt so Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Astrid S 'Hurt So Good'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fqwVBuunxY

If anyone suspected us that night, no one said anything. We continued on as usual, switching off sleeping in each other’s bed and showing the team a casual friendship, despite growing closer and closer. I would sometimes wake to him watching me sleep with this sad smile on his face or playing with my hair. We nearly got caught leaving each other’s room on more than one occasion but thankful it was neither Nat nor Steve.  
It seemed the night on the roof was a one-time thing. Neither of us brought it up and neither of us made another move. We never touched each other in sexual manner, even though we slept in only our underwear. Then the dynamics flipped on us…  
Scott dropped to his knees, panting heavily. “Christ, Harlow, give a guy a break.”  
I laughed breathlessly, bouncing back and forth on my feet. “Oh stop your whining, Lang.”  
“You know, you’re pretty intense. Anyone ever tell you that?”  
“I’ve been told.” The doors opened and Bucky and Steve strolled in. I blew them a kiss. “Afternoon, gramps!” Steve smirked and shook his head. Buck flipped me off. I laughed then turned back to Scott. “Enough of a breather, Lang. Let’s go.” I waved him on and brought my hands into position.  
“Ruthless, you are. You know that?”  
“I’ve been told.”  
He grinned and brought his hands up. “So listen…” I blocked his first few punches. “There’s this art gallery exhibit tomorrow. And if you’re not doing anything, I was wondering if you’d go with me.” His invitation took me by surprise, allowing him to get in a few combo hits before I recovered.  
“Scott, that’s nice of you, but I don’t date team members. I’ve made that mistake before.” I heard Steve grunt across the gym.  
“Oh you thought-“ He laughed. I frowned. To say I wasn’t hurt and slightly offended would be a lie. “Hell no, you terrify me. I couldn’t get hard if I tried.”  
“Hey!” Insult to injury. Great. Maybe that was why I’d been celibate for almost a year now…except for the night on the roof with Buck.  
“No offense!” He couldn’t duck my punch fast enough and I caught him in the jaw, knocking him on his back.  
“Shit!”  
Bucky and Steve ran over. They must have been paying attention to our spar. “Is he dead?”  
“I didn’t punch him that hard, Steve.” We leaned over him. His chest rose and fell rapidly. He groaned and came to a minute later, flinching at us looming over him.  
“What happened?”  
“Harlow knocked you out.”  
“Sorry, Scott.” I blushed and tucked my hair behind my ear.  
“It’s my fault. I distracted you.”  
Steve pulled him up to sit. “You ok?”  
He nodded. “Anyway, the invite isn’t from me. It’s from the artist. We live on the same floor. He has a bit of a crush on you.”  
“Oh.”  
He rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry, if I meant to imply that you’re not attractive because you are, I just-“  
I held my hand up. “Its fine, Scott. And sure, I’m not doing anything. Unless a mission comes in.” I looked at Steve who shrugged.  
“Awesome. I’ll text you the address. Be there at 7.” Bucky helped him up to stand.  
“I’m gonna shower.” I unwrapped my knuckles as I headed to the locker room and the showers. I’d kicked off my shoes and was pulling my shirt over my head when I felt Bucky behind me. “Someone could walk in.”  
“If I cared, I wouldn’t be in here.” His warm fingertips traced my waist then his front pressed against my back and his lips found my pulse. “Are you ok? I heard what he said.”  
“It stung a little.” I shrugged.  
“He’s a fool.” His lips pressed to my ear. My pulse jumped and I knew he knew. I felt his lips curl into a smirk. “It takes all my control to keep from getting hard when we’re lying in bed together. Can I tell you a secret?” I nodded, not trusting my voice. “I have to get off before we go to bed every night because I don’t know if I can control myself. I think about that night on the roof. How you tasted, how you sounded, how you felt. And how much I want it to happen again.”  
I heard a locker close and felt the breeze of his disappearance before I felt his lack of warmth. I bit my lip, closing my eyes. When I looked at the ceiling, I cursed repeatedly under my breath. Then I opened my eyes.  
Maria Hill stood at the end of the locker row. “You Ok, Brown?”  
“Yea, I’m ok, Hill. Just…stupid man problems.”  
“A ‘stupid man’ or just stupid ‘man’?”  
“The latter. I’m the one who’s stupid.”  
“I highly doubt that. Anything you want to talk about?”  
“Definitely not.” I laughed and shook my head. “It’ll just make me sound more pathetic than I already feel. Thanks though.” I shed the rest of my workout clothes and walked away, effectively ending the conversation; even if it was a bit rude.

I tugged at the hem of my dress. It was shorter than I’d remembered, but my legs looked phenomenal. I’d received more than a few glances. The champagne went done far too smooth. I was on my third glass when I found the reason I was getting increasingly more glances.  
I froze, a mouthful of champagne just before the swallow. I lowered the glass. My eyes widened at the picture. It was a black and white photo of me from one of our battles against Hydra. I had taken a short range missile to the chest. The ends of my hair were on fire, part of my uniform had disintegrated and there was a cloud of sparks and debris directly in front of me. But what struck me was the look of peaceful bliss on my face. I’d never seen my face in moments like this. I assumed it was scrunched up as I braced for impact. I couldn’t quite decide what to focus on and whether or not to be mortified.  
“That’s a pretty powerful image.”  
“Buck.” I sighed in relief.  
“You sound surprised.”  
I rounded on him, recovering from the shock of the photo. “You don’t strike me as an art gallery type person, Sargent Barnes.” I brought the glass to my lips, covering my smirk at the twitch of his eyes.  
“I’m not usually. This is more Steve’s thing. But I heard the artist’s main exhibit involved someone I knew.”  
“Main exhibit? You mean there’s more than this one?”  
“You haven’t seen?”  
“No!” My whisper was harsh but made Bucky smile.  
“Well, allow me to escort you.” He offered me his arm and I took it. I had a sinking feeling I was going to need it. “You look nice tonight, doll.”  
“Thanks, Buck. You don’t look too bad yourself.” He wore a dark grey tee that clung to his broad chest underneath a black leather jacket and blue jeans that made me lick my lips at his thighs and ass. As we passed the first one, I looked around, shocked at just how many pictures of me there were. Most of them there action stills from battles we’d fought around the city. There were also several from public appearances and our philanthropic endeavors.  
“Oh wow, I think this one is my favorite.”  
I burst out laughing. “Oh my god! How did he get this?” It was me riding piggy back on Peter Parker (in his Spider-man suit) on Steve’s shield down the side of a crooked building. My head was thrown back in hysterical laughter.  
“I have a police scanner.” I jumped at the voice. Bucky and I turned to meet the artist, a hipster with a beard and everything. He looked Bucky over dismissively then focused on me. “I’ve got rolls and rolls of film on the Avengers. But you, Ms. Brown, are my favorite.”  
I blushed. “Thank you.”  
“I find you to be inspiring to young female metahumans, mutants and supers out there. Hence why I’ve included not just your work, but your philanthropy and public appearances.” I stared at the title of the exhibit ‘The Indestructible Harlow Brown: A portrait of a woman’s strength’.  
“Am I the only exhibit you have planned?”  
“Oh no, there are others. You’re the first though.”  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Sure."  
"How much is this one?” I pointed to the one of Peter and me.  
“For you, Ms. Brown, nothing. I only ask for a few pictures and that you autograph a couple of my pieces.”  
“Oh wow, thank you so much!” I shook his hand. “Scott didn’t tell me your name.”  
“Among other things,” Bucky mumbled and I elbowed him hard in the ribs. He let out a breath and rubbed his side.  
“Jacob Johnston and it is my absolute pleasure to meet you. When Scott mentioned that he knew you, I had to extend the invitation.” He turned. “And imagine my surprise when a second Avenger arrived. Not just any Avenger but Sargent James Bucky Barnes of the 107th and the legendary Howling Commandos.” Bucky shifted uncomfortably. He reluctantly shook Jacob’s offered hand. “I’ll be right back.”  
Jacob disappeared and I downed the rest of my glass and snatched a fourth off a passing tray. “You ok, doll?” Bucky’s left hand rested on the small of my back like a cool, comforting weight. I shivered and my nipples pulled tight. His gaze flicked down as they pressed against the fabric of my dress.  
“A little overwhelmed. Why didn’t Scott tell me about this? And more importantly, why did he tell you and not me?”  
“He didn’t tell me. He told Tony.” I groaned. “I happened to overhear.”  
“Oh fuck me, he’ll never let me hear the end of it.” I dropped my face into my hand.  
“Listen, Harlow-“ Whatever Bucky had been about to say was interrupted by Jacob’s returned with the photographer. We posed in front of several of the exhibits then I autographed four of the twenty pieces and Jacob autographed two of those. Bucky stayed close but at the edge of the activity. He seemed to know I needed him there. And when I needed rescued, he swept in. “I hate to be a downer but I need to get Harlow back to the Tower.”  
“Oh of course.”  
I turned to Jacob. “Just have the print delivered to the Tower. Please and thank you.”  
“No, thank you, Ms. Brown.” He took my hand and kissed my knuckles. Bucky rested his right hand at the small of my back and escorted me out of the gallery. Several cameras clicked as we left. It was then that I realized how close we were walking together.  
“Thanks, Buck.”  
“No problem, doll.” We managed to get three city blocks from the gallery before the sky opened up on us. We ran for a block before Bucky swept me up in his arms and ran for the closest building with its lights on. It just so happened to be a laundry mat. No sooner had we got inside than the power flickered out.  
I looked around the empty room. There was a spinning dryer coming to a stop. “This seems to be the perfect cap for this weird night.” The filmy material clung to me. “We should call a car.”  
“Not yet.” I turned to Bucky and his lips were on mine. He walked me back until I came up against the wall of dryers. His right hand felt hot, so hot through the thin, soaked fabric as it ran up my side. Then he cupped my face as he devoured my mouth. We broke to breathe.  
I took a shuddering breath. “Bucky?”  
“Do you know how hard it was for me to keep my hands to myself tonight?” His thumb caressed over my cheek. “To watch that creep touch you and not be able to.” His thumb pulled down on my bottom lip. “To watch you laugh and smile and be literally surrounded by you and pretend like there’s nothing there.”  
“Isn’t there?”  
“Don’t you feel it?”  
“I do, but-“  
“You with the fucking ‘buts’.” He kissed me again and it grew more heated until our hands fumbled like teenagers with his button and zipper and hiking up my skirt. “Don’t you ever wear panties, doll?”  
“Only in the uniform.”  
“And when you’re in bed with me.”  
“Helps me to behave.”  
“What if you didn’t?” I didn’t answer him. I reached into his jeans and squeezed his cock, pulling it free. He gasped and plunged his tongue into my mouth. He braced his knee against the dryers and hiked me up. “You want this, malyshka?”  
“Yes, Sarge.” He growled and pulled me down as he thrust up. I screamed, digging my nails into his leather shoulders. My body resisted at first with flash of pain then stretched to ease him. His second thrust filled me and I cried again, his mouth muffling it. I locked my legs around his waist, pushing off the wall with my shoulders. He locked his fingers with mine and braced my hands against the wall. Our grunts and moans and the wet slap of his flesh against mine filled the quiet laundry mat.  
It was over before we wanted it. My orgasm swept me quickly and my body clamped on Buck, throwing him into his. He pulled me away from the wall and set me on one of the long tables that looked like it’d been there since the 80's. The storm didn’t let up. In fact, it intensified.  
“You’re not walking to the Tower in those heels.”  
“Then I’ll take them off.”  
“Can’t we just stay here and see if it’ll let up?”  
I sighed. “Alright, but if doesn’t let up soon, we’re calling a car.” Honestly, I didn’t have a reason to leave and anything I would have said would have sounded like a cop out to get away from him. And I wasn’t in a hurry to do that. When the adrenaline and endorphin subsided, I began to shiver.  
“Cold?” I nodded. “Come here, baby.” He pulled me into his arms and rubbed his flesh hand over my bare ones. “Fuck, doll, you’re freezing. Let’s get you out of that dress.”  
“How is stripping me out the only thing I’m wearing going to warm me up?”  
“Because it’s wet and keeping you cold. It’s pulling the heat from your body as fast as you make it.” He pulled the dress up over my head. “If I wanted you naked for any other reason, I would just ask.” He shrugged out of his jacket and held it out for me to slip my arms into. “There.”  
“Thanks, Buck.” I leaned up and kissed his lips softly, lingering longer than I’d intended but not long enough for me. The jacket was warm and smelled like him. I slipped off the table, forcing him to move back a step to let me down. My heels clicked on the linoleum as I walked to front windows. The rain didn’t look like it was going to ease up. “We might be stuck here for a while. It looks worse. Do you have your phone?”  
“Yea.”  
“Can you text Steve for a car?”  
“Won’t that look suspicious?”  
I sighed. “This is why secret affairs don’t work. Or stay secret for that matter.”  
“Is that what this is, doll?”  
I looked over my shoulder and he met my eyes. I saw some emotion flutter through his eyes. “I honestly couldn’t tell you what this is.”  
He moved that spooky way he does and I gasped. His hand rested on hip. “What do you want it be?”  
“Something it can’t be.”  
He dipped his head. His breath warmed my face as his lips hovered over mine. “Who says it can’t?” The kiss was soft yet demanding. It reminded me of that night we’d almost fucked in his bed. His tongue glided along my bottom lip and I opened for him. His hand at my waist encircled me and he pulled me against him. It tightened as he lifted me and carried me back to the table. “You’re so beautiful. Like my own goddamn angel. Zvedza moya.” His hot mouth warmed me with eager kisses down my throat.  
Bucky pushed the jacket off my shoulders as he leaned me back on the table. “You call me that all the time, Sarge. What does it mean?”  
He groaned at me calling him ‘Sarge’ and left biting kisses across the tops of my breasts then up the other side of my neck. “It’s Russian…my star.” I swallowed, blushing fiercely. “Do you like that I call you something so precious?”  
“Yes, James.”  
He shivered then grabbed my hair and jerked my head to the side, exposing my throat to him. It filled me with instant, paralytic desire and whimpered. “You call me Sarge.” He licked his lips. “Understand, malyshka?”  
“Yes, Sarge.” He held my hair tightly as he kissed me, a passionate kiss filled with heat and tongue. He used his grip on my hair and his big body to lay me back on the table. He touched my pussy lightly.  
“Are you ready for me?”  
“Go easy, Sarge.” He leaned over me, burying his face in the bend of my neck but it wasn’t his cock he thrust inside me, it was his fingers. The cool metal made my body jerk. He pumped them in and out slowly.  
“I hurt you earlier?”  
“Just a little bit.”  
“We can stop.”  
I meant his lust blown eyes with my own. “Don’t you dare, Barnes.”  
He smirked and jerked my hair as he pinched my clit. “What was that?”  
“Don’t stop, Sarge!”  
“That’s better, malyshka.” He kissed my chin. “Now, I’m gonna make you feel real good, dahlin’.” He rolled my clit between his fingers as he pressed on my sweet spot. With a nearly pornographic moan, I came on his fingers. He kept it up, pushing me closer to a second orgasm.  
“Sarge, please.”  
“Please what, doll?” He scraped his teeth on my jaw. “Tell me what you want.”  
“I want you to fuck me.”  
“Oh I will, malyshka. Just gotta get you nice and slick this time. Don’t want hurt my girl.” He pinched my clit as his fingers rubbed over my sweet spot again and again. I shuddered as my orgasm hit again.  
“Please, Sarge!”  
“Ok, dahlin.” His thick cock replaced his fingers. The burn of the stretch wasn’t as bad this time. He propped himself over me. “Look at me, Harlow.” I met his eyes, shuddering with pleasure on the roll of his hips. “You’re so fucking perfect. Look at you taking my cock so good.”  
I looked down between us, watching his cock disappear then reappear glistening with my juices and his pre-cum. “Ah Sarge!”  
“What’s that, baby?”  
“Fuck me, Sarge.”  
“Yes, malyshka.” He slammed his hips into me. I cried out but he drank it down. He held my head so he could look into my eyes as he pounded into me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, changing his angle just so and like that I was cumming again, arching off the table. Bucky grunted and shuddered his own release. “Harlow, I-“  
He didn’t finish the sentence. The table gave a groan and dropped us to the floor with a loud crash. We looked at each other a moment then started laughing. “Are you ok?” I nodded. “Good.” He kissed me, holding my face his strong hands. The door to the laundry mat opened and he sprung up on his feet, tucking himself in his jeans.  
“Buck?”  
“We’re back here, Stevie?”  
“Everything ok?”  
Bucky combed his fingers through his hair. “Yea.” I sat up and pulled his leather jacket on then zipped it before I stood up. I grabbed my dress. Bucky walked ahead of me to the front of the laundry mat.  
“You ok, Harlow?”  
“I’m fine, Steve.” I smiled up at him.  
“You look a little flushed.” I glanced at Bucky in my peripheral vision to see him looking beyond Steve.  
“The rain let up?”  
“Yea.” Steve looked between us. No doubt the room smelled like sex. We likely did to. “Let’s get back before the rain starts up again.” We followed Steve to the blacked out SUV, acting like nothing had just happened.


	5. Nicest Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kate Nash 'The Nicest Thing'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmT9jNashAg

After the night at the laundry mat, Bucky and I stopped sharing a bed. I hated it. I missed him. His warmth, his heart beat, his body next to mine. Steve definitely knew that something was going on between us. He would watch us whenever we were in a room together. We tried to keep up the casual friendship, but I was starved for him. I craved his touch. I’d made the mistake. I’d fallen in love with another man that wasn’t mine.  
Jacob delivered the shot of Peter and I and everyone loved it, especially Peter. They all made an effort to attend the exhibit. That was when Bucky and I were alone next. We didn’t waste time talking. I pushed him up against his door and dropped to my knees.  
“Doll…”  
I ran my hands up his thick thighs. “I love your thighs, Sarge.” I placed a bite on his left one and made him jerk. “I think about riding them until I cum all over your leg.”  
“Fuck, malyshka, you’re killing me.” I rubbed my cheek against his bulge then my lips before mouthing him through the denim. He groaned. “Harlow, you don’t have to.”  
“Shut up, Sarge. I want your dick in my mouth.”  
He swallowed, his eyes growing darker. His jaw clenched then he pushed my hands away and pulled his cock out, stroking it in front of me. “Open up, malyshka.” I opened my mouth and he gave me what I wanted. I closed over the head of his cock, sucking and licking. His breath hitched. “Fuck, doll, slow down.”  
“Yes, Sarge.” He stroked himself as I teased him, giving him kitten licks then sucking him like a lollipop. I dug my nails into the meat of his thighs, smacking him against my tongue and rubbing him back and forth against my lips. When I took him into my mouth again, I took him as far as I could. His fingertips pressed against my scalp.  
“I missed your mouth, zvedza moya. Such a good girl, sucking my cock like that. You want your Sarge to make you feel good?” I hummed and nodded. “Up on the bed then, doll. On your hands and knees.” I let him fall from my lips then bounded onto the bed but didn’t assume the position yet, just resting on my knees as he stalked across the room. “Someone’s eager.” He peeled the Henley off and dropped it, pushing his pants off his hips.  
“I’ve missed you so much, Buck.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. I brought my lips to his but didn’t kiss him just yet, breathing him in for a moment before teasing my tongue along his lips and lapping at his tongue.  
He hummed and wrapped his arms around my waist. The contrast of warm flesh and cool metal pulled my nipples tight against his chest. “I missed you too, dahlin.” He closed the distance between our lips, licking his tongue along mine. We held each other, our tongues dancing along one another. Bucky eventually climbed on the bed, easing me onto my back.  
He took his time, kissing every inch of my skin, worshiping my body with lips and tongue. He nudged my legs open then settled between them. He skimmed his fingertips along the cradle of my pelvis then down the bend between my hips and thighs. He gazed up the center of my body as he pushed two fingers into me.  
“Fuck, malshyka, you are wet.” He kissed my clit. “Did you get yourself ready for me?” I blushed and nodded, biting my bottom lip. “What did you do, doll? Tell me.” His fingers petted against my sweet spot, making me gasp. “Tell me, Harlow.”  
“I put on the shirt you left in there the last night you stayed…I took off my panties.” He hummed and dipped his head, sticking his tongue out to lick a fat stripe up my pussy lips to my clit. “I licked my fingers.”  
“Which two, baby?” I held up my right pointer and ring fingers. “Lick them.” I did as he said, getting them nice and wet. “Now show me how you made yourself cum. And tell me what you thought about.”  
I reached down to rub my clit with my wet fingers and he began to move his fingers in and out. “I thought of you, Sarge. Pinning me to the bed and sinking that fat cock inside me and fucking me until I was screaming.”  
Bucky hummed. “But we can’t do that here.”  
“I know…doesn’t mean I don’t want it.”  
“Want what, baby?”  
“You to fuck me, Buck. I want you to fuck me.” He nipped my thigh. I closed my eyes, arching off the bed. The jolts of pleasure became too much and I came, whining softly.  
“You’re so fucking beautiful when you cum, doll.” He kissed the bite on my thigh then sucked my fingers into his mouth, licking them clean. Then his soft lips were on my clit, bringing me off a second time. He continued to suck on my clit and I tried to close my legs, pulling on his hair. He grunted and pushed his fingers harder against my sweet spot.  
“Oh fuck, Sarge! Oh fuck!” I came a third time, pulling on his hair hard, scrabbling at the headboard. He moved up onto his knees as I struggled for breath. He laid his hand over mine, gripping my hand tight, locking his metal fingers with mine as he sunk into me. We both groaned at the sensation. His first thrusts were slow, making us both feel the drag of his cock in and out of my pussy, every inch of each other.  
Bucky wrapped my leg around his waist and pulled me up onto his lap as he sat back on his heels. I braced my feet on the bed as he bounced me on his cock. He wrapped our linked hands behind my back. I wrapped my left arm around his shoulder, digging my nails into his shoulder. His flesh hand cradled the back of my head, resting our foreheads against each other.  
Our breaths mingled. My heart rabbited in my tight chest. Fuck, I loved him. Christ, I was a fucking idiot. I’d done the one thing I didn’t want to do. I’d fallen for the only person in the world that could fuck my life up so much more.  
“Harlow?”  
“Yes, James?”  
I saw it. I knew what he was going to say. Instead of letting him speak, I kissed him, grinding down on him. He groaned and held me tighter. He rolled us onto my back and fucked me harder until I was screaming his name, writhing underneath him. When we came, it was together and it was loud and wonderful.  
We lay panting on our backs, our fingers playing with each. “I wanna take you out.”  
“Buck-“  
“No, Harlow. Don’t give me ‘but’ this time.” He rolled onto his side and looked at me. “Are we really going to deny what’s going on?”  
“We can’t.”  
“You keep saying that. And yet here we are.” I sighed and rolled off the bed, pulling my clothes on. “Where are you going?”  
“Back to my room. They’ll be home soon.”  
“Stay, Harlow.”  
I swallowed. “Do you really want Steve and Natasha to find out? I don’t think I could handle seeing the hurt in their eyes.”  
“Their eyes? What about yours? You’re so fucking worried about hurting THEM that you’re hurting yourself in the process.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “What about the hurt in my eyes, zvedza moya?” I flinched.  
“Don’t do this, Buck.”  
“Do what?” He pulled his boxers on. “Do what, Harlow?” I turned to open the door and he grabbed my wrist. “Tell you I love you? I have for a while.” He grabbed my other wrist and pulled me against his chest holding me there. “And you love me too.”  
“Buck-“  
“Say it.”  
“Bucky-“  
“Say it, Harlow!”  
“Yes! I love you!” He kissed me hard, pushing his tongue into my mouth. I kissed him back, giving him everything. When we broke, he rested his forehead against mine, nuzzling his nose with mine, his thumbs caressing my wrists. “Now what?”  
“Now we be together.”  
“Buck-“  
“No, Harlow. Stop worrying about hurting Steve and Natasha. They’re grown. They’ll either handle it or they won’t.”  
“And what if they don’t? What if they hate me?”  
“There’s two of us.”  
“But you’re more important to them.”  
“That’s bullshit.”  
“It’s the truth.” I brought my hands down and he let me go. “Steve, Nat, the team…they’re all I have. I can’t risk losing that.”  
“But you’ll risk losing me?”  
“James, please.”  
“That’s not my name.” He cupped the side of my face. I took a shuddering breath. I didn’t realize I was crying until his thumb smeared my tears. “I’m not going anywhere, zvedza moya. But I can’t be a secret forever, Harlow.”  
I swallowed and nodded. “I just…I need time to figure out how to tell them.”  
He laughed and it was soft, bitter thing. “Yea, ok.” He let his hand fall, and I turned to leave his room. We heard voices out in the common room. Instead of going down the hall toward my room, I went in the other direction, taking the hall the long way around.


	6. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meg Myers 'Cold'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GHT8NYffvY

After a few more heated discussions after sex, Bucky convinced me to at least test the waters with showing a closer friendship. Our first opportunity was a group night out at the club. Bucky had a bad day. His shoulder ached and since we hadn’t been sharing a bed due to Steve’s suspicion (which had increased after tabloids ran pictures of us leaving the art gallery together and insinuating things), he’d had a rough night alone. He made sure it was clear he wasn’t going.  
When I offered to stay to keep him company, to say the group was surprised would be an understatement. I pulled out some take menus and a wine glass as the others watched me with mouths agape.  
Wanda was the first to recover. “You’re sure about this? I thought you and Bucky were not on good terms.”  
“Our terms are just fine. You all made sure of that.” I headed to Tony’s wine pantry, but Nat stopped me on the way out of the room.  
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”  
“What do you mean?” Had she made us? She was one of the greatest spies I knew, if not the greatest. If anyone other than Steve was going to find us out, it would be her.  
“Barnes has a tendency to wind you up when you’re alone.”  
“I’d like to hope we’re beyond that.”  
“I would too.” She held my elbows in a half hug. “Things are good with the team right now. Are we sure you should push it with him?”  
“They’ve been good for a while, sweetie. I just…maybe I want to get to know him like you all do.”  
Nat smirked and laughed softly. “You sure about getting THAT involved with Barnes?”  
Shit. “You know what I mean. You and he get along great. Steve and he have so much history and are so close. He’s easy with Clint and Sam and Wanda.” I shrugged. “And I won’t know if we can have anything like that if you guys are always around.”  
I looked up at Steve as he rounded the corner. “If things get heated with you two, you call one of us. We’ll come right back.”  
“I’m sure we’ll be fine, Steve. But you have my word.” With them standing at the end of the hall like overprotective parents, I knocked on Bucky’s door.  
“What?” He whipped it open, glaring. His eyes immediately softened when he saw it was me.  
“I’m staying in tonight. If you decide to come out of your cave, I’ll be in the living room with popcorn and take out and Fear and Loathing.” The corner of his mouth twitched. He grunted and closed the door firmly in my face. I turned to my best friends and raised an eyebrow. “See. Civil as fuck.” With that, I turned and headed on toward Tony’s wine pantry.  
A few hours later, I shooed my team mates out of the common room to go have fun. There were chorused last second arguments on why I needed to come but I remained stalwart. I poured myself a glass of wine, one of Tony’s Austrian ones. I smirked as I thought of the shit he’d give me.  
Bucky’s door opened but I didn’t hear him join me in the kitchen. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and his lips were on my hair. “I needed you last night.” His body felt tense against me. I turned in his arms and slipped mine around his chest, burying my face in his neck.  
“I’m sorry, baby.”  
“Zvedza moya, can we please just tell them? I’m tired of hiding that I love you. I’m tired of not being able to hold and touch you when I want to.”  
I sighed and held him tighter. “We agreed to peel the Band-Aid off slowly.” He grunted and held me tighter. “Just a little while longer. I promise.” We ordered take out and sat cuddled on the couch watching Fear and Loathing then The Rum Diaries and finally ending with some utterly horrible B-movie about zombie sharks…mainly so we could neck on the couch like teenagers.  
The sounds of fake, forced screams and shitty dialogue played in the background as Bucky laid me back on the couch, his lips on mine. His strong hands glided up my sides, making me hum against his lips. His solid body nestled between my thighs. He smiled and my chest tightened. His fingers played with the hair at the sides of my face then pushed it back.  
“I love you, Harlow.”  
I couldn’t and didn’t fight the dopey grin on my face. “I love you, Buck.” He kissed me again, pressing me into the couch.  
“Ms. Brown?”  
“Yes, F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”  
“Then team has returned.”  
“Thanks, F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Bucky groaned and let his forehead drop on to my chest. “Good thing you’re only partially hard or this would be awkward as well as frustrating.”  
“Har har, malyshka.” He nipped my chest. I squeaked. He growled and bit me just a bit harder.  
“Buck-“  
He groaned again. “I love when you say my name like that.” He bit me again harder and pulled me down against his growing erection. I sighed and pushed up into him. “Meet me in the garage after everyone goes to bed. I need you.” Then he sat up and leaned against the arm of the couch. He propped his chin on his metal hand, resting his flesh hand in his crotch to cover his cock. His attention focused on the TV.  
I swallowed as I sat up, not as close as I had been before we’d started kissing but on the next cushion. I reached for the popcorn bowl and my wine glass, taking a big gulp. The tipsy chatter of the team preceded them just as a cheesy scream came from the TV.  
“I don’t get it. Why don’t they just go for the brains like in all the other zombie movies?”  
“Because a shark’s brain is similar in form to a female reproductive system. I’ll show you after the movie. They’d have to get all three pieces at the same time.”  
Realization dawned on his face. “So that’s what you’re talking about when you talk about shark week?!” I couldn’t resist the laughter that bubbled up from my belly.  
Buck chuckled. “I feel like I know too much about you for our level of friendship right now.”  
“Just wait until you get to know her more, you’ll regret passing the casual friendship barrier with this one.”  
“Shut it, Wilson!” I threw a haphazardly aimed handful of popcorn in his direction.  
“What the fuck are you two watching?” Sam and Clint climbed over the back of the couch to sit and forced me closer to Bucky.  
“Don’t blame me for this shit.” Bucky jerked his thumb at the TV. “Harlow couldn’t decide between zombie and sharks. And what the fuck do you know Hollywood saw fit to give her both.”  
I beamed at Sam as he shook his head. Clint reached over Sam for the popcorn. “OH I’ve seen this one. The doctor tries to make a cure with his blood and winds up infecting himself and turning into a zombie shark hybrid thing.”  
Bucky, Sam and I turned to gape at him. “Dick!” We all threw popcorn at him.  
“Hey! Hey! Were you even gonna finish the movie?”  
“YES!” We chorused. I looked up to see Steve watching us with a smirk. Natasha shook her head then headed to her bedroom. Sam and Clint began to go back and forth adding their inebriated commentary to the piece of shit film. Bucky rested his hand on my thigh and we finished the movie. An hour later, Buck had me on my back in one of the Humvees with his hand over my mouth, his teeth buried in my shoulder to muffle his grunts. It was quick and hot and we came shaking together.

The team took to our friendship as if they’d all been holding their breath, waiting for it. When we wanted to spend time together, no one thought anything of it. Bucky stopped demanding we out our relationship, allowing it to progress on its own. He was still salty about having to keep his affection in check but with us able to be close friends out in the open, he was able to touch me appropriately to the situation.  
We sat at the outdoor table of the café. Bucky wore the black compression sleeve over his arm to keep the sun’s glare off the polished shine of his metal arm. Bucky’s fingers slipped in and out of mine, caressing his fingers back and forth.  
“So are you gonna let me take you out now?”  
I sipped my tea then set the glass back down. “We go out all the time now, Buck.”  
He leveled me with a look. “Malyshka, you know that is not what I mean.” I rolled my tongue over my lips. His gaze flicked to them. “I want to take you to a nice restaurant and dancing. I want to show the world I’ve got the best girl in the world on my arm.”  
“James…”  
He smiled and reached up to caress my cheek. “You know I hate what you call me that.” We leaned forward until our lips touched then the kiss was lazy and easy yet took my breath away. He rested his forehead on mine.  
I nuzzled my nose against his. “If it’ll get you to kiss me like that more often, that’s all I’m gonna call you.” He laughed then froze. I did too. He pulled back and I sat up.  
Natasha dropped into the only empty chair at the small table. She sighed and crossed her legs, dropping her joined hands into her lap. “I’ve had my suspicions for a while.”  
“Nat, I-“  
She held up her hand. “I get it. I told you about my relationship with Barnes and you felt like you had to hide it from so you didn’t hurt me.” I bit my lip and looked down at the table. “Am I right?” I nodded. “Christ, Harlow, I thought you were smarter than that.”  
“Natasha.”  
“Don’t you start, Barnes.” Her attention whipped around to him. “You didn’t tell her, did you?”  
“Tell me what?” I started to pull my hand away but he closed his fingers around mine.  
“Go on, tell her.”  
“I don’t remember the relationship between Natasha and I. Hydra wiped it away.” I swallowed. “I’d like to hope that one day I’ll remember it. She doesn’t hate me so I hope we parted on good terms.”  
Natasha smiled softly. “Look, Harlow, I’m happy with the psychologist. He’s as far removed from this life as I can get. But he understands the job so it works.” She took my free hand. “Do you love him?”  
“I do.”  
“Are you happy?”  
I looked at Bucky’s uncertain, sad eyes. I pulled my hand from his to caress his cheek. “I am.”  
“And I’m gonna assume since he called you ‘the best girl in the world’ that he loves you too and is happy?” She raised her eyebrow at him. He pressed his lips together and nodded. “Then I’m ok with this. I just don’t want anything to fuck with the team again. We have enough issues.”  
Natasha stood to leave. “Oh, and don’t ever try to hide anything from me again.” She looked pointedly at me then looked between the both of us. “You’re gonna have to tell Steve.” I watched her walk out of the café and up the street.  
Bucky chewed his lip as he pushed the food around on his plate. I squeezed his hand. “That went better than expected.”  
He sighed and nodded. “I always feel awkward discussing my relationship with Natasha. I feel bad that I don’t remember anything. I don’t even remember feeling anything, love, desire…” He shrugged. “And I can’t imagine how that makes her feel.”  
“Hey.” I squeezed his hand again then reached across and tipped his chin up. I looked into his glistening blue eyes. “Listen to me, James Buchanan Barnes, that is not your fault. You cannot be held responsible for what you did and how you acted when they had you.” I cupped his face then kissed him tenderly as the pain of remembering etched his handsome face. “You fought them. They hurt you. But you fought them. You-“ I choked on my tears. “You aren’t what they made you.”  
Bucky smiled and it was so full of sorrow I leaned forward and kissed him again. “I don’t deserve you, Harlow.”  
“Shut the fuck up, Barnes.” He huffed a laugh. “Let’s pay the check and head back.”

As we tried to figure out how to handle Steve, Hydra launched a multiple front attack and split the team. Bucky went with Steve because they always went together, Sam too. I went with Clint and Natasha. We were supposed to meet back at the compound outside of the city when we clear of the mission. That is not exactly what happened.  
“What do you mean they TOOK him?”  
“That’s what I said. They gassed us. Before I went out, they threw a bag over his head and drug him away. When I came to, they were and he was gone.”  
I paced the cavernous garage, growing more and more agitated. “We have to find him.”  
“I agree. Let’s regroup-“  
“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”  
“Yes, Ms. Brown.”  
“Is Bucky’s comm tracker still functioning?”  
“It is. Do you have a location on him?”  
“Give me a few moments, miss.”  
“Harlow, what’s going on?” Steve placed a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and continued to pace. Clint and Natasha and Sam jogged up to us.  
“Tony and Rhodey are gonna rendezvous with us when we’re in route.” Natasha looked between us. “You still haven’t told him.”  
“Told me what?” It dawned on Steve. I saw his face contort in disappointment. “Oh Harlow, didn't you learn your lesson with me?”  
“Don’t, Steve. Save the lecture on getting involved with team members when we get him back.”  
“Wait, you’re involved with him?” Steve grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. I smacked his arm away.  
“This isn’t the time, Steve! They could be doing anything to him.”  
“Like turning him into the Winter Soldier again.”  
I shook my head. “No, they can’t. He told me the triggers didn’t work anymore. Not after Wakanda.”  
“Has anyone tried them since?”  
“Are we seriously discussing this right now?”  
Steve glared at me, clenching his jaw. “We tried them. They didn’t work. They were just words. But Hydra is resourceful and persistent.”  
“And cruel.” I hugged myself, remembering the things he told me to get them out of his head so he could sleep. Then I’d kissed him and held him until he’d fallen back to sleep. I met Natasha’s gaze.  
“F.R.I.D.A.Y., do you have a location yet?”  
“Yes, Ms. Romanov, Mr. Barnes is right above the compound.”  
“How?” I looked at Steve with wide eyes.  
“He’s in a Hydra jet. Well. Was. He’s descending rapidly.”  
“Sam! Get me in the air.”  
“I can’t carry you both, baby girl.”  
“Don’t worry about that.”  
“We have hostiles, Captain Rogers. Multiple at the main gate and several scaling the perimeter walls.”  
“Sam, get me in the air!”  
Steve nodded at Sam and we ran for the nearest exit. Sam took flight and I started running. “Coming in hot, baby girl!”  
“I’m ready, Sam.” There was a brief collision as he met my back then we were leaving the ground.  
“What’s the plan, Harlow?”  
“I catch him.”  
“And then?”  
“I take the impact.”  
“Have you fallen from this height?”  
“No.”  
“I can get him to the ground.”  
“No you can’t. His arm is too heavy. Only Tony or Rhodey are equipped for it. And they won’t make it here in time.”  
Sam sighed. “What’s the play then?”  
“Come in right above him. I’ll free fall to him and put myself underneath him.”  
“He’s bigger than you.”  
“So long as my body is cushioning the majority of his, he’ll be able to survive the impact. Super soldier serum, Sam.”  
“Say that five times fast.”  
“Harlow?” I sighed. Of course Steve had been listening. “Be careful.”  
Sam flew right above Bucky and dropped me on him. “Buck?” I spun him around as best I could. He was out. What had they done to him? He was already travelling at terminal velocity. I crawled around so I was under him. The ground expanded underneath us. “Barnes?” Nothing. “James?” Still nothing. “Sarge?” Still nothing.  
I wrapped my body around his as best I could. We hit the ground. Pain blossomed on my back and my mind short-circuited. Dirt rained down on us from the furrow we’d made in the ground. I tried to speak around the pain but could only manage his name. His face looked so blank, so empty. I heard muffled voices before the darkness overcame me.


	7. I'll Stand by You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Pretenders 'I'll Stand by You' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3dQ2timDu8

I came to in a fog. My mouth felt like it had been stuffed with a wad of dry cotton and left and it tasted like a dead rat. I groaned at the stiffness in my limbs for as long as I’d lain in the same position. I sensed a flurry of movement then Steve’s hazy outline appeared, back lit by the fluorescent lights in the ceiling.  
“Bucky…”  
“He’s fine, baby.” Steve lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “He’s in the next room.” Sam whispered into Steve’s ear.  
“Hey Wilson.”  
“About time you woke up, baby girl.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead.  
“I want to see Buck.” I tried to sit up.  
“Whoa, whoa, no you don’t. Not until the doctors check you out.”  
“I’m fine, Stevie. Just stiff. I need to move.”  
“Doll, you’ve been unconscious for a week. The doctors need to check you out.”  
“Wha? A week? Is Bucky ok? I tried to keep him from the impact.”  
“He’s fine. He’s been unconscious for just as long.”  
“That is not fine, Steve!” I sat up and pulled at sticky pads and tubes, setting off high-pitched alarms. Medical staff came running in.  
“Ms. Brown, you’re gonna need to calm down.”  
I fought the nursing staff until the needle appeared then I fought harder. Steve’s sad frown was the last thing I saw before the lights went out again.  
When I came out of the anesthesia this time, it was like coming out of water. I surfaced, feeling as fuzzy as before but gasping for air. Natasha looked up from her book as I tried to orient myself with consciousness.  
“Bucky?”  
“Harlow, I’m not telling you anything until I know you’re fully conscious and calm.”  
“Nat, please.”  
“No. They dosed you with enough tranq to kill an elephant and you still kept trying to come to. Steve and Sam were freaking out. Tony wanted to put in you a coma until Bucky regained consciousness.” I frowned, my brow pinching. “I told them all to get out.”  
“What did they give me?”  
“Some experimental drug that’s designed to work on mutants with high metabolisms or drug resistance. And you, baby, have both.” My eyes adjusted to the low light. My mouth tasted and felt like death. Natasha stood from her chair and handed me a glass of water. I noticed fading bruises on my forearms and wrists. “Steve had to hold you down.”  
“Oh I bet he enjoyed that.”  
“I’m sure part of him did. He does care about you, ya know? He’s been a wreck with both of you unconscious. They’ve replaced the punching bag 100 times and repaired the ceiling six.” She smirked then sat down on the bed as I sipped the water, brushing the hair out of my face. “You had us all terrified. Not just Steve. And we were worried what would happen if Bucky woke up before you. How would he react?”  
“Is he really ok?”  
“His vitals are great. He’s just unconscious.”  
“Can I see him?”  
“Yes, but you need to take things easy. If you freak out again, they will dose you. It almost killed you the first time until they got the dosage right.” My eyes snapped to hers, wide in fear and shock. She nodded. “They didn’t give you enough and it sent you into a rage. They gave you too much. Your heart stopped. It took forever to keep you going until you metabolized enough of the drug.”  
“Fuck.”  
“Yea, fuck.” She leaned in and hugged me tightly. “I’m gonna go get the doctor and let the others know you’re awake. Once you’ve been checked out, I’ll take you to see Bucky.” I nodded, tears pricking my eyes.  
Natasha was only gone for 10 minutes but it felt like 10 hours, 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 years, as I stared at the ceiling trying to make sense of what happened. Steve had returned from the mission minus Bucky. He’d been taken by Hydra. And they’d literally just dropped him back off, unconscious out of an airplane above the compound. He’d hit the ground going terminal velocity with me underneath him. No matter how much I had cushioned him, he’d had to have taken some damage. But with as long as we were out, some if not all of that would be healed.  
The nurse checked my vitals while the doctors gave me a once over. “We’ll want you to take some physical tests in the coming days to make sure that the fall didn’t cause any damage and nor the drug.”  
“Yes, doctor. I’d really like to see Bucky now.”  
“Alright, but you must remain quiet. He’s been increasingly agitated the last few days.”  
I practically vibrated with need to get to him as I was helped from the bed and into a wheelchair. They’d turned off my IV and put in a saline lock. But I still had to be unhooked from the monitors. My patience grew thin and I growled at the nurse.  
“Can’t this go any faster?”  
“I’m sorry, Ms. Brown.”  
Steve, Sam and Wanda entered the room as I was standing up to get into the wheelchair. Before I knew it, I was in an Avengers group hug. And I was crying. Wanda and Sam let go, leaving Steve holding me so tightly. He trembled slightly in my arms. It took me a moment to realize he was crying.  
“I thought I'd lost you.”  
“Steve-“  
“I thought I'd lost you both. And I’m so sorry I was jealous of you and Buck. I know…I know he doesn’t love me the way I love him. I just- I just want him happy. And I want you happy.” He pulled back and held my face in both hands. “I love you and I’m sorry.” He kissed me then held me close again. “I’m sorry you and Bucky felt you had to hide whatever you had from me. I’m sorry, Harlow.”  
“It’s ok, Stevie.” I brushed the hair from his forehead. “It’s ok. I know how much you mean to each other. I didn’t listen to Buck when he kept telling me that we needed to tell you. Then this happened. It wasn’t the way I wanted you to find out, babe.”  
“I know.” He kissed my temple then helped me into the wheelchair. “Maybe the sound of your voice will bring him back.” We left Wanda and Sam in my room. The wheels squeaked as we made our way the short distance to Bucky’s room, which was right next door as Steve had said.  
I choked on a sob. My chest grew tight and I began to hyperventilate. I reached blindly for Steve’s hand, struggling for breath. “He looks-looks dead.” Steve yanked me from the wheelchair and crushed me to his chest as I struggled to breathe through the choking sobs.  
“He’s not, Lo-lo. He’s not.” He kissed my hair over and over, rubbing my back until I finally calmed. Steve held my face, pushing the messy hair back from my eyes. “Are you ok? Do you need to sit?”  
“I need him. I need to touch him.” I held onto Steve’s arm tightly as he walked me over on shaky legs. I sat heavily on the edge of the bed. Thank fuck he wasn’t hooked up to tubes and monitors the way I was. My hands shook as I moved his hands from his stomach. “Who the fuck put his hands like that? He looked like a goddamn corpse back there.” I sighed, feeling Steve stand so close that his body heated radiated on me, warming my chilled skin.  
“But he’s not.”  
“No, he’s not.” Up close, I could see his chest rise and fall and see the color in his skin. I lifted his hand and caressed my fingers along his then locked our fingers together. I reached up and played with his hair. “I need you to wake up, baby.”  
Steve cleared his throat. “There’s something you need to know.”  
I looked at him over my shoulder. “What?”  
“He had burns on his face and scalp.”  
“Burns how?”  
“Electrode burns.”  
“You don’t think they tried to wipe him and activate the Soldier, do you?” Steve shrugged but it wasn’t convincing. I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that that’s what those sick fucks had done. And they’d failed. So they threw him out of a goddamn plane. I brought his hand to my lips and kissed each knuckle.  
“I’ll leave you two alone.”  
“I need you, Steve.” My words were raw and sorrowful. I grabbed his wrist as he turned away. “He needs you. Please don’t leave us.” I looked up at him, tears swimming in my eyes.  
Steve smiled sadly, curling a finger under my chin. “I’ll be back. I promise. I have some things to take care of.” His haunted eyes searched my face with something akin to regret. I think he wanted to love me. But there wasn’t enough room in his heart for Bucky, Peggy and me. So I got the boot. He leaned down and kissed my lips softly. “You stay here.” I nodded as I watched him leave. He met the others in the hall.  
I rolled onto my side, resting my head on Bucky’s belly. I could hear his strong heartbeat and the air in his lungs. I tucked my legs against him, wrapping my arm around his waist. With the contact, I felt my body relax and his. It was like he’d been lying stiffly on top of the bed. But when I curled around him, his unconscious body knew my touch and let go.

If I wasn’t tucked against his side, I was in the chair at his side, holding his hand and reading Hunter S. Thompson to him. I knew I should return to my routine, return to the other aspects of my life, until he woke up. But I wanted to be there when he did.  
I’d fallen asleep reading him Dirty, Pretty Things by Michael Faudet. My cheek rested on his thigh. The tensing muscle woke me. Then I felt his searching fingers in my hair. He touched it lightly with his left hand, stroking and combing his fingers through it. I smiled at the familiar touch. Then I felt him tense and his hand came away. I sat up and looked at his panicked eyes. Then his brow furrowed and he sat up.  
I wasn’t sure if I was looking at disoriented Bucky or the Winter Soldier. “Steve!” Bucky threw the blanket off and climbed out of the bed. He stalked across the room and grabbed me by the throat. “Steve!”  
The vibranium fingers closed off my air and he lifted me up against the wall. I grabbed onto his hand and wrist. “Who are you?” I met his dark eyes with my hurt ones. He seemed to falter. “Where am I? How did I get this arm?”  
“Bucky? Buck, put Harlow down.”  
His confusion got the best of him and he dropped me. “Who’s Bucky? Am I Bucky?” He looked between Steve and I, his panic growing. “Are you Harlow?” I was still catching my breath so I nodded. “Someone tell me what’s going on. Where am I?” His panic and confusion became so overwhelming; instead of lashing out, the man I loved crumpled to the floor. He covered his head and ears with both hands, grinding his jaw.  
Steve shook his head as I crouched down. “You’re Bucky, baby. James Buchanan Barnes. I’m Harlow Brown, your girlfriend. That’s Steve Rogers, your best friend.” I touched his shoulder lightly and he flinched so I pulled back. “We’re in the infirmary of the Avengers compound in Upstate New York. You, me and Steve, we’re all Avengers.”  
I dropped from my crouch to my knees and scooted my body closer. Even if his brain didn’t remember me, his body did. I touched his shoulder again. He didn’t flinch but he stiffened. I wrapped my arm around across his chest and pressed my front to his back. He relaxed and curled his body into me, sobbing from deep in his belly.  
“I don’t remember.”  
“It’s ok, Buck.” I combed my fingers though his hair. “Stevie and I are here. We’ll help you.”  
“But I don’t remember anything. There’s nothing there.” He looked at me with the most forlorn eyes I’ve ever seen. “Nothing.” The pain in his eyes echoed in my chest. I felt Steve shift then his big body wrapped around mine. Bucky stiffened at the touch then his body seemed to remember it. His arms wrapped around my waist and held me tightly as he sobbed into my chest. I rested my cheek on his shaggy hair, comforting him with my body. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. That I was there for him but I wasn’t sure how he’d take it. I said it so softly I’m not sure he or Steve heard it.


	8. Hazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rosi Golan 'Hazy'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TwFVlMcijo

After we got Buck calmed down, he consented to let the doctors look at him. He was fine physically. But the doctors scheduled a CT scan, an MRI, an MRA, a cranial sonogram and an X-ray. Helen Cho was summoned from Seoul. And word was sent to T’Challa to see if the Wakandan specialists who had treated Bucky while he was there could come in.  
Even though Bucky looked at me with confusion and sometimes fear, he held my hand. His body knew my body. A primal instinct that Hydra couldn’t wipe recognized me. I took comfort in that fact, but seeing nothing in his eyes hurt so deep.  
Nat understood. She held me while I cried, something I never did around Bucky. He had too much to deal with. The one time I had, it had caused him great distress. He shut down and didn’t acknowledge anyone, least of all me. He avoided me when he could and it felt like a knife in my chest, in my heart and in my lungs, in my gut.  
I took as many missions as I could, staying away from the compound and the Tower. I retreated into my shell. Steve, Nat, Wanda and Sam wouldn’t let me go too far though. Steve, especially. He had faith that Bucky’s memory would come back. It had come back before. His journals were still in the room. He would pour over them daily, trying to remember. And the sparks of recognition began.  
Naturally, he remembered Steve first. He remembered their childhood and growing up together. He remembered the war and the Howling Commandos. He remembered falling from the train. And he began to remember what happened to him while he was with Hydra. The things they’d done to him, the things they’d made him do. How the encounter with Steve before S.H.I.E.L.D. went down helped his escape.  
What surprised us all…he remembered Natasha. He remembered their relationship. He remembered training her at The Red Room. He remembered performing missions with her. He remembered their affair. He remembered everything.  
He remembered what happened while he was on the run. He remembered when the Accords were drafted and the Avengers disbanded. He remembered going willingly into cryo until his brain could be ‘fixed’. He remembered joining the team with Steve. He began to recognize the other team members. But he did not remember me. I was a blind spot in his brain. Memories that I should have been in didn’t have me in them.  
Now, I know in describing that it sounds like it happened quickly and easily. It did not. Bucky spent months working with the neurologists and specialists from Wakanda. He spent hours with psychiatrists and psychologists, pouring over his journals and doing everything he could to remember, to be whole again.  
I unstrapped my gloves as I descended the ramp from the Quin-jet, squinting into the afternoon sun.  
Scott clapped me on the shoulder. “Get cleaned up and I’ll take you out for a beer. You were a beast, babe.” He grinned.  
I couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Sure thing, Lang. I’ve gotta debrief with Steve. Meet you in about two hours?”  
“You got it.” I watched him head off to his own debriefing with Tony. My awareness drew my attention up. Bucky looked over the railing, leaning on his forearms on the thick, pale cement. I shielded my eyes from the sun and looked up at him. He didn’t say anything. I shrugged, ignoring the burning in my belly and tightening in my chest, forcing the stinging in my eyes away. I gave him a casual way then dropped my hand and strolled into the building.  
My debriefing with Steve was quick and relatively painless. The mission had gone off without a hitch. Meaning I’d pretty much demolished the place and Lang had retrieved the information we needed.  
“Are you ok, Harlow?”  
I stood from the chair. “What do you mean, Steve?”  
“I’m asking if you’re ok.” He reached for my hand, but I pulled it back out of his reach. Since the accident, I didn’t like to be touched much. Natasha was the exception. I saw hurt flash through Steve’s eyes, but I clamped down on my instinctive apology.  
“Not a scratch on me, as usual, Captain. Now, I need a shower. I think I have plaster dust in my ass crack.” I turned to go but he grabbed my wrist.  
“You know what I mean.” I sighed. “You think only Natasha sees how much this thing with Bucky bothers you, how much it hurts you.” I felt him at my shoulder. His fingers gently turned my chin to face him. “He loves you, Harlow.”  
I laughed and it was a bitter, ugly thing. “He did. Then Hydra took him away from me. You have him back, Steve.” I twisted away from him and pulled my wrist from his hand. “Natasha has him back.” I emphasized her name and saw Steve flinch. “Everyone, EVERYONE, Steve. Everyone else in this entire fucking organization who knew him or he knew has him back. Everyone –but- me-.” I emphasized each word.  
“Harlow-“  
I held up my hand. “Don’t try to make this better, Steve. Don’t you dare try to give me hope. I gave up hope months ago.” I dropped my hand to my side. “Maybe he doesn’t WANT to remember me. Maybe he didn’t love me at all. Maybe I SHOULD have learned from my mistake with you.”  
“Harlow, stop.”  
“Why? Because it’s the truth?” I took a deep, shuddering breath then let it out slowly. “I need a shower. And to be alone.” I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. I looked up to find Bucky waiting.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t.” I held up my hand and turned away from him. “Don’t make this worse.” I heard him take a breath behind me. “Whatever it is, don’t say it, Barnes.” I made sure my door was locked when I got back to my room. I peeled the uniform off and left in a pile by the door. Dark purple bruises dotted my thighs and torso. That’s what happens when a wall falls on you.  
I turned the water up as hot as I could stand it, steaming up the bathroom right away. It relaxed some of the tension. With my tension went whatever control I had over my emotions. I doubled over as the sobs took me. Painful, gut-wrenching sobs that left me breathless, my tears lost in the water. I dropped to my knees and rocked back and forth, hugging myself. Why? Why couldn’t he remember me? He remembered everything and everyone else. Why not me?  
I lay on the shower floor, curled into a ball until the water ran cold. The sun had long set and the sky outside was black with night. My room had grown dark. I shivered as I turned off the water and dried off. I tucked the towel under my arms and ran the brush through my hair. My eyes were red and puffy and my lips were swollen from biting and crying.  
I splashed my face with cold water then brushed my teeth. After I’d rinsed and spit, I noticed the silent, immobile figure sitting on the end of my bed. I knew who it was. I didn’t have to ask. I wiped my mouth slowly then flicked off the bathroom light, plunging us into darkness.  
I avoided speaking to him as I walked to my dresser. I pulled out the first pair of panties from my drawer and dropped the towel. The only indication that he moved or was even paying any attention to me was the sharp intake of air when the towel fell. I stepped into the panties then pulled the first shirt in my drawer which happened to be one of his Henley’s, a black one.  
“That’s my shirt.”  
“Yup.” I turned on the bedside lamp and pulled down my comforter and sheets.  
“You were crying.” I stiffened. Standing up straight, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at his back. “About me.” Not question, a statement.  
I hugged myself tighter. “I’d like you leave now, Barnes.”  
His shoulders drooped slightly. He leaned his elbows on his knees. “I’m trying to remember, doll.” His voice sounded so full of sorrow. “Everyone seems to remember how close we were before. Steve tells me that I love you. That you love me.” He looked at me over his shoulder. “Is it true?”  
“Yes…” My voice was a small squeak.  
“But I can’t remember.” He turned away from me to stare at me in the floor length mirror. “You’re like this haze in my mind. I try to focus on you and everything gets blurry.” He dropped his eyes to his hands. “I want to remember.” He pushed up to stand then rounded the end of the bed. He stopped right in front of me. I stared at his chest, trying so hard not to cry. “Say something, Harlow.”  
My voice was surprisingly calm when I spoke, numb actually and tired. “What should say, Barnes? What is there to say?”  
“Help me remember.” I swallowed, tears stinging my eyes. He shifted closer. “My body remembers you. When you’ve gotten close enough to me that I can feel your body heat, my tension relaxes. My heart speeds up and I want to touch you. To hold you. To kiss you.” He tipped my head back so he could look me in the eyes. My trembling tears finally let go and streamed down my cheeks. His thumb smeared through them on my cheek.  
Bucky dipped his head and his lips brushed mine. A soft, light touch that grew firmer. His tongue traced my bottom lip, asking for permission. I sighed, parting my lips as his fingers slipped into my hair. His tongue slipped between my lips and glided along mine. It reminded me of our first kiss, full of tender passion but his hands stayed in my hair.  
He pulled away and I opened my eyes. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe instant recognition. By his frown, perhaps he had too. I smiled sadly and put both hands on his chest. “I’d like you to go now.”  
“Harlow-“  
“Please leave, James.” I turned away from him, hugging myself tightly to hold myself together. If I let go, I’d fall apart and he’d see what he’d only heard. I didn’t hear the door click shut but I felt his absence in his lack of warmth. My throat convulsed as I struggled not to cry. I turned out the light and crawled under my covers, giving into my sorrow in the darkness.

I avoided Bucky as much as I could over the next few weeks. Sam touched my shoulder and I flinched. “Damn, girl, what’s got you so jumpy?”  
“It’s nothing.” I took one more drink of my coffee before I dumped it down the sink. “If you need me, I’ll be in Tony’s hot tub.” I grabbed a wine glass and headed for the sky deck.  
“Isn’t it a little early for day drinking, babygirl?”  
“Not if you’re in a hot tub?” I tossed him a grin over my shoulder. I rounded the corner and ran into Bucky’s chest full speed. “Shit.” I took a step back. “Sorry, Barnes.”  
Bucky reached out to steady me. “It’s my fault. Are you ok?”  
“I’m fine.” I brushed off his hands and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I’ll see ya later.” I moved around him and hurried to the elevator. I should have known better. He caught up to me before I reached it. His metal hand grabbed my upper arm and turned me around. I didn’t have a chance to speak and his lips were on mine. I opened my mouth in shock and his tongue stole inside. It was a raw, needful thing and I kissed him back before my brain screamed at me. I slapped his arms away then pushed him back with both hands. “The fuck are you doing, Barnes!” I clenched my fists at my sides.  
“Tell me you don’t feel it.” He reached for me but I stepped back, putting my back against the elevators.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“That’s bullshit. Ever since that night I kissed you, there’s been this tension between us. Like the universe itself is holding its breath.” He stepped up into me. “I –want- to remember you, Harlow. I want to remember us.”  
“Then why can’t you? You remember everyone and everything else but me.”  
“Don’t you think I’m trying?” He tucked my hair behind my ear. “I see how much it hurts you.”  
“Buck, stop.”  
“It kills me to know I’m the one that’s hurting you.” He tried to tip my head back but I twisted away.  
“Just stop, James.” My shoulders slumped in defeat. “Maybe…maybe it’s better this way.”  
“Don’t say that, doll.” I dropped the empty wine glass to the floor and walked away from him. He called after me but didn’t follow. “Harlow! Harlow, come back here!”


	9. After You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meg Myers 'After You'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFoKnSe7M4Y

I needed a break from the Avengers. I made arrangements to vacation in Venice Beach for a few weeks. I missed my freak show family. I missed the sun, the salty ocean air, and the scent of the boardwalk food vendors. I missed the rollerbladers and skateboarders. I missed the big beefy men showing off on the ‘muscle beach’.  
“You’re not gonna perform?”  
“No, Rudy. I’m only here for a vacation.”  
“Wow, you’d think being a superhero you wouldn’t need a vacation.”  
“Eh, it’s not really the superhero-ing that I need the vacation from.” Rudy uncoiled his limbs and stretched out in the sand. We were sat on the water’s edge, watching the sun set.  
“Who do we gotta fuck up for breaking your heart?”  
I smiled up at the stunning brunette covered in tattoos and piercings. She was a fire eater in the act. She dropped down on the other side of me. “Dot, it’s not like that.” I shook my head and smiled sadly. “It’s not his fault.”  
“Explain.” I stretched my toes into the cool surf of the rising tide as I lay back onto the still sun-warmed sand. I sighed then began to explain. Everything. “So why didn’t you help him?”  
“I couldn’t, Dot. It hurt too much. Every time I saw him, I was reminded that yet again, I loved a man that wasn’t mine. I remembered everything, every touch, every kiss, every moan and sigh; every laugh, every smile and every tear. His body remembered mine even if his brain didn’t. He told me so. But I couldn’t handle it.”  
“Well, that’s just silly.”  
“What?” I sat up.  
“Sounds to me like a partial fugue. He’s blocked you out for some reason. He needs a triggering event. He’s remembered everything and everyone else, correct?”  
“Yea…”  
She rolled over and propped her head up on her hand. “He needs a triggering event. Sounds to me like he thought the kiss would do it. You need to go back to New York and fuck that man’s brains out.”  
“Dot!”  
She shrugged. “What?”  
“What’s it gonna hurt?” Rudy finally piped up from the other side.  
“Uh, me.”  
“But you’re already hurt.” Rudy rolled to his feet and held his hands out to us. Dot pulled herself up and fell into his arms. They held each other, smiling at the other for moment. My heart throbbed with envy and hurt.  
I shook my head. “I’m gonna stay here for a bit longer.”  
“Be careful. There’s weirdoes out.” I laughed then lay back on the sand, staring up at the stars.

I didn’t tell anyone I was coming back. I had told Steve I wouldn’t be back for another week. When I returned to the tower, everyone was out. The transcontinental flight should have wiped me out but instead, I felt keyed up. Was I really going to fuck Bucky Barnes to help him get his memory back? I apparently was. Rudy was right. I was already heartbroken and hurt. It couldn’t be any worse.  
I dropped my bag on my bed, noticing it was still unmade. I could snag a nap but I wanted to catch Bucky alone. I sighed and carefully stripped down to my panties and slipped one of his Henley’s on then pulled my hair up into a messy bun. I took a deep steadying breath and texted him.  
Me: Hey  
Bucky: Hey  
M: Are you on mission?  
B: No, out for a walk. Why?  
M: Come back to the Tower.  
B: Why?  
B: Wait.  
B: You’re at the Tower?  
M: Yea, I’ll be in your room. We need to talk.  
I left the door to my room ajar, like it had been when I arrived. My bare feet made no sound on the cool tile. I looked around his room, fighting the anxious bubble swelling in my chest and the twisting in my belly. I smiled to myself as I looked over his shelves for what felt like the first time in forever. It had been at least six months since the accident. A long, painful six months.  
I paused at the picture at the end of his shelf. I think I’d looked at his book shelves a million times in the year we’d been together. I never noticed this picture. Hell, I’d never even noticed it missing from my pictures. I turned to the side. Lying where he normally slept, he could see this picture. I didn’t hear the door open. His warmth washed over me and I felt some of my tension relax.  
“Doll?”  
“I’ve looked at these shelves so many times I can’t remember. And I never noticed this picture. And I’ve never noticed it gone from my room.” I held it up to my shoulder. He reached over and took it from me. It was a picture of me from my freak show act. I was in this 40s inspired bikini with my hair in victory rolls. I had just had 100 pounds of bricks dropped on me from the roof. It was my debut.  
“I…I don’t-“ I turned to face him. He looked from the picture to me.  
“I can’t help you with this one. I don’t know when you took it. I don’t know why. But it’s been here since we first-“ I cut off, my chest giving a sudden squeeze.  
Bucky looked from me to the picture, willing himself to remember. “You were crying.” He paused, frowning at the thought of me crying or the memory of it. “I carried you home.” He paused again, his frown relaxing. “We slept together.” He swallowed and looked down at me. “We didn’t fuck, did we?” I shook my head. He didn’t look away from me this time. “I took it while you were sleeping. The frame is still on your shelf.”  
“That’s probably why I didn’t notice it was missing.” I plucked the picture frame from his hands and set it down blindly behind me. “I wanna help you.” I gave into my desire to touch him, running my hands up his chest. I had missed his body so –fucking- much. “But if this doesn’t work, we’re done. No more trying to remember me. Deal?”  
He took a deep breath, watching my hands move up with it then meeting my eyes. “What’s ‘this’?”  
“Nuh-uh, deal or no deal?”  
“Harlow-“ I silenced him with a kiss, hard yet closed mouth. When I pulled away, his mouth chased mine. It took him a moment to recover. “Deal.” I shoved him hard to the bed. He huffed out air then looked up at me from his sitting position. I stepped up between his legs and pulled the Henley cross-body over my head. “You are…simply gorgeous, doll.” He reached for me but paused before he touched me. “I can touch you, right?”  
I bit my lip and nodded. “Yes, please.” Just the anticipation of his touch had my nipples pulling tight, my belly clenching. His hot and cold hands rested on my hips, thumbs caressing over my hips bones. He stared at my belly, furrowing his brow. “Do you want this, Harlow?” He looked up me, his eyes a muddy mix of confusion and worry. “Or are you just doing this for me?”  
I combed my fingers through his shaggy hair at the temples, smiling softly at him. It grew wider as he returned it. “More than anything, I want this.” I leaned down and pressed my parted lips to his. His tongue met mine at our joined lips. We went back and forth, tasting each other. His hands skimmed up my sides to rest on my ribs under my breasts. His thumbs caressed the curves of them then moved to the hard nipples. “I’ve missed you so much, Buck.”  
I rested my forehead on his. His palms ran down my back and into my panties, grabbing two handfuls of my ass. He squeezed them, kneading the firm flesh. He used hands to push my panties off my ass then pulled them down to my knees. I stepped out of them then climbed onto his lap, straddling his broad lap. My kisses moved from his mouth, along his jaw to his ear. He moaned and pulled me down against him. His growing cock pressed again my wet pussy. He slipped his fingers into my hair and guided me back to his mouth, kissing me with a fevered need, all rough, raw desire that I returned. Blindly, I reached between us and tugged his long-sleeved tee over his head, breaking the kiss so we could get rid of the shirt.  
“I feel like I’ve missed you too.”  
“If you feel it, then it’s true.”  
“I missed you, Harlow.” His scruffy beard rubbed the skin of my throat and shoulders and he licked and bit and sucked marks along the bend. His soft lips always contrasted his scruff. And this time wasn’t an exception. I squirmed in his lap, rubbing against his hard bulge. He moaned then wrapped his metal arm around my waist to hold me still. “You keep doing that, baby and I’m gonna cum.”  
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pressed my body to his, grinding down on his cock harder and with more purpose. “I’ll stop when you make me.” Bucky growled and slapped my ass, making me gasp and pause. He took the opportunity and flipped us, rolling me onto my back. His mouth claimed mine with hungry kisses. And the growls that man emitted drove straight to my clit, making me slippery wet. “Please, James.”  
“That’s not my name, doll.” My eyes snapped open but his smirk only told me that he was enjoying seeing me squirm and say ‘please’.  
I whimpered, quivering with need and honestly fear that this wouldn’t work. “Please, Buck. I need you.” He groaned and thrust his hips against me. “I need you inside me.”  
Bucky pressed his forehead to my sternum then kissed each of my breasts before moving off me to stand at the side of the bed. I leaned up on my elbows. I watched as he slowly unbuckled his belt then popped the button and lowered the zipper. I rolled my tongue over my bottom lip. I could feel his eyes on me as I watched him push his jeans down to his ankles. I’m assuming he stepped out of them. I couldn’t see and my attention was focused on that beautiful cock I’d missed.  
I’m pretty sure I whimpered as he began to stroke himself, tugging at the end. “I love the way you look at me.” That broke my attention and made me look at him. “Like I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.”  
I rolled up onto my knees as he climbed back onto the bed. “That’s because you are…and I don’t even eat bread.” He laughed and it warmed me in places that had grown so cold. I kissed his chest, working lower. I stopped when I reached his belly button, giving it an open mouth kiss and a good bite. He groaned and his hips jerked. He sucked in a breath when I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock and my lips around the head.  
“Fuck.” I sucked the bit of pre-cum at the tip, stroking him up to my mouth. His fingers went into my hair, pressing into my scalp. Then he pulled my mouth off his cock and kissed me. “Later…” He tossed me onto my back and covered me, kissing me eagerly, thrusting his hips. His cock rubbed along my slit, slicking up with my arousal. He propped himself up with his metal arm then lined himself up with his flesh hand. I kissed the wrist of the vibranium appendage. He thrust into me, stopping partway when my body resisted.  
I grabbed his wrist tightly. “Buck!”  
He dropped to kiss my lips lightly. “Sh, baby, I got you.” He rubbed my clit, making me cry out but my body opened like a flower and he sunk all the way. He lowered his forehead to mine and kissed me again and again and again. Over and over, closed mouth kisses, licking kisses, full tongue in mouth kisses that muffled our moans. I rocked my hips up, meeting his thrusts, pushing him deeper. He grunted, his back and ass rolling under my clutching hands.  
His fingers found my clit and pressed firmly against my pubic bone as he rubbed it in circles. Then I was cumming, panting his name. He grunted with each deep thrust, chasing his orgasm then he froze, his hips trembling as his cock jerked with his release. He collapsed on me, breathing heavily against my neck. I kissed his temple, soothing my palms up and down his sweat-slicked skin.  
Neither of us moved, afraid to break the moment. My anxious bubble returned as he pushed up on his arms. “That was amazing, zvedza moya.” He brushed the hair back from his face and met my questioning gaze with a smile. “There you are.”  
“Here I am.”  
I squealed in delight and yanked him down into a kiss, laughing and crying at the same time. He kissed me back with an insatiable need. We lay like that, kissing for a long time. Then my need to use the bathroom became too much. I shoved him off me and jumped off the bed. When I emerged from the bathroom, I leaned against the doorjamb. He was lounged in the bed with his ankles crossed and his vibranium arm tucked under his head.  
I stepped onto the end of the bed then walked across it to stand over him. “No rest for the wicked, Bucky Barnes. You’ve got six months of fuck to make up for.” I toed his thigh. He did that spooky thing he does where he moves almost faster than the eye can see and grabbed me by the thighs, rolling us onto my back again.  
“And I plan to make up for every minute.” He kissed me, deep and slowly, tasting me thoroughly. When he had well and truly taken my breath away, he kissed the corners of my mouth then moved down over my chin. “I’ve just gotten you back. Give me a minute to enjoy that, malyshka.” He leaned over me, smiling. “Then we can fuck like rabbits.”  
I laughed and he kissed my chin. Then began making sniffing sounds, rubbing his nose along my throat. “Buck, stop.”  
“What? I’m a bunny.” He went so far as to make snuffling squeaks that made me howl because he sounded exactly like a rabbit.  
“Where did you learn to sound like a fucking rabbit, Barnes?”  
“You’d be surprised what I had to do.” He went back to sniffing me. “Fuck, you smell good, doll.” He left big, open-mouthed kisses down my body until he reached my pubic mound.  
“Buck-“ His lips covered my clit and sucked hard. I shouted and dropped back to the mattress. His fingers slipped right in from our combined orgasms. “Bucky, stop, we just fucked. I need to clean up better.” His response was to suck harder and longer, pushing his fingers into my sweet spot. My hands went to his hair and my back arched off the bed, pushing my cunt into his face as he sucked and fucked me with his mouth and fingers. He brought me off a second time and kept going until he pulled a third orgasm from me, licking and sucking my clit and stroking his fingertips over my sweet spot again and again. But the sixth time, the oversensitivity was almost painful and closed my thighs around his head and pushed him away.  
“Aw, no more?”  
“No more, baby. I can’t.” I squeezed my legs closed and scooted up the bed. He laughed and followed me.  
“Oh is that right? I thought you said I had six months of fuck to make up for.”  
“Not at once!” I put my foot on his chest and pushed. He bowed up and didn’t move in the least. Then in one of those spooky moves that only Barnes could do, he snatched my ankle and jerked me to him then up onto my knees.  
Bucky locked me in the circle of his arms. “I love you, Harlow Brown.” His eyes shined with love and recognition. He knew me. HE KNEW ME!  
I couldn’t help the tears that pricked my eyes. “I love you, Bucky Barnes.”


	10. Wild Horses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Sundays 'Wild Horses'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiyCkSOF1pc

As bad as things were before, they were better, even better than better. They were fantastic. The team didn’t bat an eye to Bucky and I being an item. There was some tension with Steve at first but we sat down and talked it over. More to the point, I sat on them both, and we discussed things.  
The boys sat on the couch watching a Vietnam War documentary. I was fresh out of the shower after a training session with Wanda. I vaulted over the back of the couch and dropped into Bucky’s lap. He huffed out air, groaning but his arms went around my waist and pulled me to his body. I sat sideways, crossing my legs over Steve’s lap.  
“Listen, Rogers, we need to talk.” I felt them both stiffen. Bucky tightened his arms around me. We’d discussed the tension with Steve a couple nights before.  
Steve cleared his throat. “What about?”  
“There’s no easy way to do this.” Steve sighed and I felt Bucky tense, so I know Steve felt it too. “Bucky and I both love you, Steve.” He turned his head, slowly blinking. He clearly hadn’t expected me to start off that way. “To me, you’ll always be the one that got away. To Buck, you’re his brother. More than brothers, you’re like his second half.” Steve’s gaze moved past me to Bucky. Out of my peripheral vision, I saw him nod.  
“And I love you both.”  
I smiled and tried to move forward but Bucky still held me tightly. So I settled for grabbing Steve’s hand tightly. “But…just like you couldn’t give me what I wanted and needed and deserved…Bucky can’t do that for you.”  
Steve deflated slightly and tried to pull his hand away but I tightened it. “Is that true, Buck?”  
Bucky cleared his throat. “It is. I love you, Steve. But I can’t be your boyfriend, for lack of a better. Maybe back then if two men together hadn’t been so taboo, I could have been. But I’m not the same man I was before the fall. I’m someone else. The man you’re in love with is a memory. And so is the woman.”  
“I know you’re right. I just- You and Peggy were so perfect. I can’t imagine anyone else ever coming close.”  
“Hey!” Bucky was offended for me. “That’s a shit thing to say with Harlow sitting right here.”  
“No, Buck, its fine. He’s right, actually.”  
“I am?” Steve looked confused then went on his guard.  
“No woman, living, dead or yet to be born can compare to Peggy Carter. She’s a genius and a legend. She’s the epitome of the female agent we all long to be.” I pulled away from Bucky to straddle Steve’s lap and cupped his face. “But she’s gone, baby. She loved you. And you loved her. Love her. But she’d want you to be happy. She wouldn’t want you holding onto her memory, her ghost and giving up a chance at the thing we all fight for.” Steve’s sob shocked us both. His arms were around and his face buried in my chest in an instant. His tears soaked my shirt and his sobs shook us all, shook the couch with their intensity.  
Bucky scooted closer and wrapped his arms around us, resting his forehead on Steve’s head. “I don’t know how…” I kissed his temple.  
“You have to let someone in. You have to let us go, man.” Bucky soothed Steve’s hair. “We’re not going anywhere. We’re here and we love you.”  
Steve sniffed and leaned back a little bit. “I don’t understand why you’re being so good to me.”  
I opened my mouth to answer but Bucky slugged his shoulder with his flesh hand. “Because we love you, idiot. Or do you have cloth in your ears?”  
I stifled a giggle at Steve’s dejected pout, but he noticed. Steve notices everything. His fingers shoved into my sides and I began to shriek. I bucked and jerked as he tickled me mercilessly. “Stop! Stop! Steven Grant Rogers, stop!”  
Sam’s chuckle brought our attention up. “Oh, you’re in trouble now, Capt. You got the middle name. Mama means business.”  
“Oh she does, does she?” He raised that perfect eyebrow. My hands seemed beyond my control as they moved forward and twisted both his nipples. He howled, causing Buck and Sam both to wail with laughter. And I was off his lap in an instant, cackling as I ran down the hall with a grinning super soldier hot on my heels looking for revenge.

Steve caught me and tickled me until I wet myself and nearly passed out. And like that, the tension between us was gone. And things were good. Yet, Bucky continued to search for the answer to why I’d been wiped from his mind so completely. It bothered him. Could it happen again? What if he woke up one morning and he didn’t remember me?  
Bucky leaned against my doorjamb, watching me read. “You are so adorable and sexy in your glasses, malyshka.” I blushed. “Oh and that just made it worse.” I bit my lip as he pushed off the jamb and sauntered over to me. “You’re killing me, doll.” He bent down, tipping my chin up with his fingertips underneath. He kissed me, a soft brush of lips that sighed through my nerves.  
“Good session tonight?” I licked my lips.  
“Great session, but first…” We shared a room now. We’d moved into one of the larger rooms at the end of the hall. More space, bigger bed, bigger tub. He would recount his sessions then we would go to bed on evenings he had therapy. I’d either be in here reading or out enjoying a glass of wine with Nat and Wanda while we watched some horrible Lifetime movie tripe to forget about the lives we led.  
Bucky moaned into our kiss. I answered with a sigh. He urged me back on the bed, pressing his body to mine then reached between us and pulled my pajama shorts down. I rose up then wriggled out of the soft fabric. He glided his fingers up and down my slit, pushing the thin fabric of my panties between my puffy labia.  
“I have something to tell you.”  
He hummed, rubbing my clit through the damp fabric. “And I have something to tell you too.”  
“What’s that?”  
“No, you first. Mine can wait.”  
“Mine can wait too.” He kissed me, lazily dancing ours tongues back and forth between each other’s mouths as he rubbed my clit steadily working me higher. He plucked my breast from my skimpy pajama top and massaged it then pinched the nipple. His sucked hard, wet kisses down my neck and chest, giving me the barest bite of teeth in each. His mouth closed over my nipple, biting just hard enough to send me over.  
“Buck!” I felt him smirk against my breast.  
“What was that?”  
“Sarge, please.”  
“Please what, malyshka?”  
“Please don’t tease me, baby.”  
“I don’t believe I am, Harlow. You just came.” He kissed my nipple then the other and moved back to my mouth. “Or were you faking?”  
“No, I came.”  
“Then how am I teasing?”  
“By rubbing this against my thigh and not letting me have it.” I raised my knee up and pressed against his rock hard cock. He hummed then grunted and pushed into my knee. “Come on, Sarge. Give me your cock. Fuck me.”  
Bucky smirked. “I love it when you get demanding and dirty.”  
I answered his smirk then pursed my lips. He gasped then groaned when I snatched his shaggy hair and pulled his mouth to hover over mine. “Then-fuck-me.” I enunciated each word then licked his lips in an upward swipe. He snapped his teeth at my tongue then flipped me over.  
“You want me to fuck you, malyshka?” He forced my knees apart and lifted my ass.  
“Yes, Sarge.” He slapped my ass hard, making me cry out in surprise and desire.  
“I didn’t quite hear you, baby girl. I said ‘You want me to fuck you, malyshka?’.”  
“Yes, Sarge!”  
“That’s better.” He muffled his grunt as pushed forward into me. I reached toward the head of the bed, arching like a cat in heat. My ass pushed up against him. His hands smoothed down my sides then down my spine. “Fuck, you feel so good.”  
“Oh my god, so do you.” I pressed my face into the mattress, my hot breath making it hotter. There was something in the air. We’d fucked like this before but it felt so-goddamn-good. His angle had the head of his cock hitting my sweet spot over and over. I was cumming without him even giving my clit any attention.  
“Oh fuck…” He groaned, voice sounding strained. “Oh fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He reached down and grabbed my hair hard. His pelvis slammed into my ass again and again and again. His labored breath sent shivers down my spine. He pulled me up by my hair as he leaned forward. “Oh fuck!” His teeth sunk into my shoulder and he grunted, breathing through his nose as he fucked out his release.  
We slumped to the bed and his arms went around me, pulling me up to my chest. “Buck?” He trembled with the intensity of our sex. Or maybe it was me. Could have been us both. His chin nudged my forehead. I leaned back to look at him, kissing his chin. “You ok, Sarge?”  
He half-smiled. “I am. You?”  
“Wonderful.”  
He kissed my nose. “We did a hypnotic regression session tonight.”  
“Oh?”  
“Yea.” He rolled onto his back, holding me on his chest. I lay on him, listening to his voice in his chest. Our feet glided against one another. “See…uh, we’ve been working specifically on the memories of the day I was taken. When I find something I can’t get past, we put me under.” His fingers traced circles in the small of my back, rubbing back and forth over my Venus holes.  
“Is that safe?”  
“There’s a strike team on alert when I’m going under.”  
“And how have I not known about this?”  
He squeezed me. “Don’t be mad. Listen.” I huffed out air. His fingers resumed their circles. “They tried to activate the Winter Soldier.” I flinched and he felt it. His large palms began to move up and down my back to comfort me. “Shush, zvedza moya. It’s alright.” He kissed my hairline. “They started asking me questions about the team.” He took a shuddering breath. “Before they could get to you, I told myself you didn’t exist. I willed myself to believe it. So they couldn’t find you out. So they couldn’t take you and hurt you and use you against me or to bring me back into the fold. I hadn’t counted on them wiping me.”  
I swallowed thickly. “It’s ok, baby. You were trying to protect me.”  
We looked at each other for a long moment before he reached up and cradled my face in his hands. His thumbs caressed my cheeks. “I love you more than my own life, Harlow Brown. I would kill for you. I would die for you. I would burn this entire world to the ground to find you if someone took you. And one day…I want a family with you. I want to marry you and make you Mrs. Harlow Barnes. And I want to have babies with you. Hybrid mutant super soldier babies.” I laughed, choking on tears I hadn’t realized I’d begun to cry.  
“So what are you trying to say, Barnes?”  
His mouth twitched up into a smile. “I’m yours.” He didn’t have to say anything more. His lips pressed to mine in a tender kiss until we had to breath then he kissed me again. Long and firm but no tongue, just our lips on one another. He was mine. Heart, body and soul, Bucky Barnes belonged to me. And I belonged to him.  
“I know the perfect way to celebrate.”  
“What’s that?”  
“Let’s go fuck in Tony’s hot tub.” Bucky’s laughter shook me. My smile overtook my whole face and I felt warm down into my toes. His eyes sparkled with happiness. Something I wanted to see every day. “Well?”  
“Let’s go.” He swatted my ass hard then sat up, forcing me to move. He reached for his boxers as I headed for the door. “Malyshka-“ I whipped open the door despite the both of us being completely naked. “Harlow!” I blew him a kiss then ran. “Harlow, dammit!” I heard him laughing behind me as I streaked through the common room.  
Wolf whistles went up from everyone that happened to be in the room. Then shouts of ‘Barnes, put some clothes on’ and ‘Speak for yourself’ as Bucky passed through. He caught me at the elevator, caging me in his arms. He kissed me deeply as Tony’s voice came from the living room. ‘Don’t fuck in my hot tub!’


End file.
